gingerbaby

If you are reading this pamphlet, then it can only mean that you have just been told that you and your spouse will be bearing a baby of ginger origin. It is safely assumed that you have been screaming and crying for at least an hour now, huddled in a corner and renouncing God, but it is imperative that you get your bearings together and read this. Or are you still thinking about that unbounded field of freckles on their pale cheeks, not to mention the red hair that has never existed in your family and is only found on the licking flames in a pit from hell?

You really need to stop crying.

Hey, we didn’t get this far as a society—as a species—if we didn’t first contain and make accommodations for the Ginger element. Think of it this way: take a look at your iPhone. See how remarkable that technology is? Now, it wasn’t made by a Ginger, no, no, no. But it was made despite there being Gingers on this planet, so there’s still hope. On the back page of this pamphlet you will see a list of firehouses near your location that will blindly accept any and all abominations against the god that you once thought loved you unconditionally.

You may think that maybe you would like to put the Ginger up for adoption, which sounds like a noble and a bit more responsible thing to do than to just leave it outside the firehouse, but let me ask you this: If you go down to the ASPCA, would you like to get the dog with only three legs? If you have a heart of gold and are desperate for a conversation piece, maybe you will like the dog with three legs. But now imagine that the three-legged dog actually has only leg and can stare through your soul. You won’t find many couples willing to put up with that. The novelty of it can only last for so long, so don’t bother wasting your time.

Your best option will be to take your Ginger baby to an orphanage that cater strictly to the ginger breed. These orphanages are usually found a bit off the map, away from society, for it is just as safe to contain them all as it is dangerous (in case of an outbreak). A densely populated ginger area will usually be marked by unholy cloud formations in the sky and are never farther than 1 mile from a dormant (not extinct) volcano. gingerorphanage

The orphanages are much like the Island of Misfit Toys from the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer story, except that some of those misfit toys were kind of cute and will probably be allowed into the Kingdom of Heaven.

The orphanages are very dimly lit since the skin of a ginger is pale to the point of bioluminescence, like an angler fish. And do not worry about your ginger being mistreated or malnourished. We know that they are allergic to the sun and prefer the same moist, dark elements that a mushroom or other fungi flourish in. Your ginger will also be fed three square meals a day consisting of freckles, halitosis, and children’s nightmares.

After all, you are what you eat.

It is important to remember that this thing you’re about to give birth to is not your fault. The ginger is a biological anomaly and has been for countless centuries. Advances in the study of the Ginger are being made, but not fast enough to make them tolerable to society. Not just yet. We hope to put your mind at ease during this tragic ordeal and will follow the advice given. Maybe you can come up with a totally original idea on what to do with the ginger; you know, besides trying to love it and raise it like a normal child. We wish you the best! And better luck next time!

 

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