Hey, buddy. I see on Facebook that you went on a little family get-together up to the lake last week. Yeah, I saw the pictures. It looked like a good time. Did I see that you guys went on an old tire swing right over the water? That looked badass! Who did you hang out with up there? Your parents, your aunt and uncle… am I forgetting someone? Oh, that’s right! Your cousins were up there too, right? Yeah, I think I saw a couple of photos of them in their bathing suits. There were three of them there, right? I might have glanced at the pictures for a few minutes, sure.


They’re over 16, right? Yeah, I thought they were, I was just checking. I saw the photos of you guys riding go carts and was just wondering if they were of legal age; Legal age to drive go carts, that is. What are their names? Victoria, Tonya, and Stephanie? Okay, which one is the brunette? I see that there are two are blondes and one is a brunette. Okay, Stephanie is the brunette, that’s good to know. Do any of them have boyfriends? No, wait, don’t tell me.

But the lake looked like fun! I’m sorry your grandfather couldn’t make it; angina’s a bitch, bro. How come Tonya wasn’t wearing a two-piece bathing suit at the lake? She certainly has the body type to pull off a bikini. She’s fit, yo! There isn’t any kind of scarring going on in the midsection, is there? Did she have appendicitis? Any kind of vicious stray dog or chimpanzee attack when she was younger? Did she get a really bad tattoo down there? If she has an appendectomy scar, tell her not to be self-conscious about it, okay? Appendicitis can be hot if it’s done right.

You don’t mind me talking about this stuff, do you? I’m sure you get it all the time when you’re around those girls. Let’s face it: your cousins are hot, dude.

Sure, we can talk about the lake and your family and your Mom and Aunt getting into a huge fight over the macaroni salad and blah, blah, blah… but I feel it’s important to tell you just how hot your cousins are. No, I don’t think it’s a useless thing to say to you. Rubber baby bubble bumpers! That…haha…that is a useless thing to say. Where can the conversation go after I say something ridiculous like that? But if I say, “Your cousins are hot,” there’s a whole world of unexplored conversation we get to traverse!

Pack your bags, fella!

Firstly, we could rank the bangability of your cousins. One through three. You’re going to want to know this, okay? See, what you have going on here is you’ve got two blondes and a brunette, so I think the wisest thing to do is put the brunette safely in second and bookend her with the blondes. If there was a red-headed cousin tossed into the mix, that would really throw me for a loop and this conversation could go on all night (I’m talking degree of paleness, as well as freckle concentration and placement) but your gene pool isn’t that deep, so let’s just move on.

Yeah, I’m sorry, too.

Well, how would you rank the hotness of your cousins? It’s a simple question and you won’t even answer me that. I’m leaning toward putting Tonya in third place only because of her monkey-paw scratches across her stomach. That only seems fair. Unless Victoria is a bitch, she is going to go in first place for me. Tell me she’s a stone-cold bitch and I’ll reconsider right here and now. But as of this moment, Victoria is ranked number one for me, okay? Shoot, who am I kidding? Bitchiness can be hot if it’s done right. But if Stephanie comes along and asks you how I ranked them all, tell her I put her at number one, okay? She seems like a good kid and I don’t want to hurt her feelings.cousinmonkeypaw

As for Tonya, tell her that there are procedures to get that tattoo of John McCain off of her rib. Unless the John McCain tattoo is done tastefully, Tonya is put in last place for me. Now, don’t get me wrong-John McCain tattoos on the rib can be hot if it’s done right, but it is very rare. Okay, so you have my final standings, right? Recite them back to me so I know for sure that you know.


Don’t have a monkey’s paw to grant your wishes? No problem! Fortunately for you, the FREE book of essays written by the author of this article can be downloaded here.