Worst Action Movies of All Time
10 Action Films Men Should Apologize to Women For
Furious Kelly | Vondrook List Writer
Okay so we men are finally ready to admit our cinematic wrongs to you. This doesn’t mean anything. We’re just tired of the lying.
1. The last two Matrix movies. They seduced us with the promise of martial arts and robots. Like a fat girl at an ice-cream shop, we just couldn’t stop ourselves.
2. Michael Bay films, any of them. What can we say? He gets us.
3. Batman & Robin. It looked good on paper… okay it really didn’t. George Clooney was just another unfortunate rebound after Michael Keeton broke our hearts. We were weak then. But now were with somebody new. Christian Bale will never hurt us. He’ll keep us safe in his big strong muscular arms… ahem. We’re very satisfied with the relationship thus far.
4. Sticking with this theme: Catwoman. Halley Barry in tights. Like anal sex, that was really just for us.
5. Cool as Ice staring Vanilla Ice. What the hell were we thinking? Vanilla Ice? He could be considered that era’s Justin Timberlake. But comparing him to Justin Timberlake is like comparing retarded guy to Kobe Bryant in a game of Horse. It’s just not fair to Kobe Bryant.
6. No Country for Old Men. Don’t worry, we didn’t get it either.
7. Fast and the Furious. Vin Diesel don’t speak good. Vin Diesel drive car fast… real fast. Vin Diesel hit other man in face. Man fall down. Vin Diesel good. Other car driver bad.
8. Vin Diesel, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jason Statham, Steven Seagal, Dolph Lundgren, Toby McGuire, and Pamella Anderson. Oh, like you’ve never made a mistake before.
9. Firestorm! Howie Long, a forest fire, and escaped convicts. We’re actually giving you credit for watching the first ten minutes with us before going into the kitchen to call your sister.
10. Over the Top staring Stallone. Okay, so we get it. A whole movie about arm wrestling is pretty asinine. But the wrestling was a metaphor for Sylvester Stallone’s struggle to be with his son and the turning of the hat was symbolic of the turning tides within his stone-cold heart. But we digress. Sorry.
So that’s it then. It’s all out on the table. We put up a good fight for many years, but you win. We can no longer defend these movies just as we can longer defend farting while under the covers because we “have to.” We’ll try harder from now on. Who are we kidding? No we won’t. Deal with it.