Written by: Your Boss

 

Alright, here’s all the things that you’re doing wrong: This filing system is completely screwed up. Why in the world are all of the high-profile clients in the third drawer? No, I don’t remember telling you to do that. No, no, I didn’t. I would distinctly remember saying such a thing. Do you smell something? Nevermind.
     Second, you never told me that Mr. Harris called yesterday regarding the shipment to Omaha. Post-it note? You never gave me a post-it note. Fine. Where? Show me. Yes, that is a post-it note in my hand, with the word “urgent” on it. You must have slipped that in my hand when I wasn’t looking. I don’t know when you did it, but you must be a pretty devious sonofabitch, trying to make me look bad. Are you sure you don’t smell that? I’m getting a pretty strong odor over here.
     Look, Mr. Rawlings, my boss, your boss-boss, is breathing down my neck to get all of these papers finalized, and you aren’t doing a damn thing to do it! Hey, maybe you did write up all the papers like you said, and all they require is my signature, but where are they? Oh, yes, that does look like them on my desk there…but why haven’t I signed them, huh?! Jesus, you’re incompetent! Can I get a fucking pen, please?!
     Listen, we’re going through the rigors of the busy part of the season, and…what is that smell? Goddamn! It’s smells like…oh, Christ, where is it coming from? My pants feel…fuzzy. Did you just—Oh, my God! You sick little freak! You sick bastard! You just shit in my pants!Oh, you are so fired! So SO FIRED!! I don’t know how you did it, but God knows I didn’t just shit in my pants! Jesus, first my wife shits the bed this morning, and now my employee shits my pants in the afternoon. Unbelievable!