Furious Kelly | Vondrook Contributor

Philadelphia PA – It’s a question that had plagued mankind for centuries. What do woman really want from us with all that complaining? Cavemen made cruel drawings on their walls of bashing women on their heads just to quiet their jabbering mates. But finally in the year 2010, we’ve done it – scientists may have discovered what it is that women actually want from men. And the century old nightmare of incessant yammering and screeching just might be over. What’s the answer to this question?

“Gucci purses,” says Doctor Cornelius Feldman of the Gender Research Institute for Problematic Estrogenex. “You see, the entire time we were trying to offer them logic, facts, and reasoning. We were way off. The woman’s logic center is one tenth the size of a man’s. Reasoning only confuses the woman and redoubles her instinct to patronize, complain, and call her mother. The [Gucci] Purse Theory brings instant closure to whatever the woman’s base intelligence can recognize as satisfaction.”

GRIPE conducted tests on over a thousand women before this seemingly simple conclusion was reached. At first, researchers would annoy the women by promising them ballet tickets for months and then rescinding upon that promise. Then they tried shaking sense into their test subjects. This however, proved too costly in patience and lives. It wasn’t until Dr. Feldman’s Purse Theory was introduced that any real breakthrough was recognized.

Men, you'll need your Gucci Hanbag to avoid this

Purse Theory, while still in the testing phase, has revolutionized the scientific community’s take on the female brain. If a woman’s nature (Bi) is compacted by equal parts complaining (t) and dissatisfaction (Ch), then purse (X) must be greater than or equal to the sum of the whole “bitch.” Astoundingly, the Purse Theory of Bi + t + Ch = X is accurate to the degree in which scientist can tell you what kind of Gucci bag you are going to need to buy depending on the fuckup.

“It’s a truly wonderful day,” says Feldman. “We are even developing a system that will let us watch a full football game without the woman reminding us about picking up the kids from their soccer game. It’s a Prada-Gucci Hybrid Theory of Perpetual Serenity.”

To every man out there that has been putting up with his woman’s crap year in and year out, here’s four words for ya. Helen, you’re on notice.