By: Larry Neushwander, Office Cut-Upcross tie

Why, hey there, guy! Welcome to the office! I’m Larry Neushwander; perhaps Mr. Phelps has told you about me. No? Well, first let’s hear about you: what’s your role here? No, not, “shipping and receiving.” I’ll ask it again: what is your role here, friend?

Don’t take too much time to think about it. Here, take a look at my tie. It’s goofy, right? It’s like a gag tie of some sort, with lights on it, funny sequins, maybe even a little interactive. Why don’t you tug on the tongue there. Whoop! Say, what happened, right?

And you’re probably thinking, “Why wear such an odd, goofy tie? What’s the special occasion?” Well, I’ll lean in close and whisper it to you.

It’s Tuesday.

You see, buddy, I’m the Office Cut-Up, and with that title I don’t need some fanciful excuse to don a tie such as this. This is average for me. Why, to wear a regular tie would be out of character. People wouldn’t recognize me! I’d walk past them and they’d be like, “Hey, have you seen Larry today?” And I’d be all, “Larry? That jerk? He owes me money!” Nyuk Nyuk.

Now, listen here, kid: I don’t know what back-alley office you crawled out of or what your role was there, but here, I am Larry the Jokester. I ease away office tension through a random assortment of movie quotes, sarcastic non-sequiturs, and pratfalls.

Pratfalls are my specialty.

Of course, that is not to say that I am not thinking of the perfect Forrest Gump quote to end this conversation, but that will be later. Don’t try to predict it, but you should know that it is coming. You’re going to see me camped out at the water cooler quite frequently, as that is my hunting grounds. Feel free to come on over and discuss with me last night’s episode of the most popular sitcom! Chances are I will have the punch-lines memorized and on the ready to recite back to you at a moment’s notice. Hey, it’s what I do. Just don’t you try to do it too, alright?

Hey, I’m not trying to discourage you from being yourself, ok? I’m not wholly against a little help when I make my jokes. Sometimes my comedy gets a little edgy and I have to kick-start the laughter myself to let the others know it’s okay. It happens frequently when I quote Buckwheat from The Little Rascals.Even more so when I do Eddie Murphy’s Buh-Wheet Sings.

Buddy, I think we are going to get along great if you simply respect the boundaries around here. I look forward to making you laugh and am looking forward to the challenge of getting a guffaw out of ya. And that’s all I have to say about…that. Nailed it!

Oh, and stay the fuck away from Robin Williams quotes. They’re mine. All of them, you got that?