Jim Rome! Thank you so much for making it out here today!

Thank you for having me, Mike. Nice place you have here.jim rome

Thank you. And thank you for dressing up; you look sleek.

Oh, that’s how I usually dress. I see you got some jam-jams on. What kind of sequins are those on your pants? Polar bears?

They’re my power animal, Jim. I will not apologize for that.

Fair enough.

I gotta say, I am digging on the goatee you got growing there. Most movies and television shows, if there is an evil doppleganger going around, he’s got a goatee. That’s how they differentiate him from the main character.

Yeah…?

What I mean is, is there a good version of you out there somewhere?

Are you serious?

No, I’m kidding of course; just a little banter before we get started. Now, Jim, for those of us out there who have no idea who you are, who are you?

I am a sports talk show host.

Yes, you have quite a few shows out there where you talk about sports. Sports are fun.

And they’re fun to talk about too! People love to hear my opinions on the latest sports headlines.

Ok, so to quickly recap your role in society: you offer your opinions on sports news. Now, an opinion is a personal belief based not on certainty. And a sport is a game or recreational activity.

Yes, I believe so.

And you get paid for this?

Yes. Quite handsomely, I might add.

I love this country.

Pardon me?

I’m just sayin’. America, ya know? Fuck yeah.

Yes yes.

And I see that one of the posters for your show Rome is Burning is you holding a microphone that looks like a gun. May I ask why?jim rome (gun)

The tagline reads, “Everything’s fair game,” meaning that I will tackle any issue and profess my opinion on it. And sometimes my opinions can be offensive to some people.

When you host that show, do you have a gun under your chin as if it were a microphone?

(sighs) No, Mike. I do not.

That’s a shame. I would pay for cable to see that. Now, the title, Rome is Burning, that’s a fanciful pun on your last name. Do you say the same thing when you have a fever?

What?

Or, say when you have a prostate exam, and the doctor sticks his finger up there, does he say something clever like, “When in Rome…”

Is there a reason why I am here? What’s with this interview?

Yeah, it’s falling off the rails a bit, isn’t it? I have more puns, though. But I’ll try to be professional. Ok, let’s get back to it. Were you a former professional sports player before getting on the T.v?

No, no I was not. I was into broadcasting mostly: the coverage of sports.

Well, you know what they say: “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.” But you’re not really teaching, either. We need to amend that saying for you, Jim. I’ll work on it.

Thank you.

How about: “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can do neither, criticize.”

And those who can’t criticize wear polar bear pajamas.

You cut deep, Jim. How are you still even here?

I have the 21st most listened to radio show in the country, understand? I am touted as one of the biggest opinion makers in my generation.

We’re not the same generation are we?

No, I don’t believe so.

Whew! I’m sorry, you were saying…?

I was saying that being as famous as I already am, it takes a lot of work to get new listeners.

Oh, shit. Wait, Jim. I think there is some mistake. I, uh…I don’t have much pull, readership-wise. In fact, I was using your name to get some new readers myself.

You’re kidding.

No, sadly, I am not. Now, please…don’t…don’t get upset and flip the table over. It’s particle-board.

I’m leaving. Scratch that—I’m out!

Jim, thanks for being a good…sport.

Go to hell, you pathetic media trilobite.

Jim Rome, everybody!

 

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