Andrew McCarthy! I can’t believe you’re actually here! Please, have a seat.

Happy to be here, Mike. Nice place. What are all these things? Tissues?

Ah, no. Those are dryer sheets. I’ve been huffing them all morning in anticipation of your arrival. May I interest you in one? I have Tide, Bounce, Snuggle, Gain…

No, thank you, Mike. I’m fine.

Ok, your loss. I see that you’re wearing some type of dress shoe. Are those Dockers?

They are, as a matter of fact. Good eye.

I can’t help but wonder if maybe you would feel more comfortable in a pair of purple Converse sneakers like the ones you wore in Weekend at Bernie’s.bernieshoes

What, seriously?

Yeah, kind of. I have a bunch of pairs in the other room if you want.

Why…why don’t we start the interview? Does that sound okay?

Of course, of course. I’m sorry. Okay, first question: What’s going on with Weekend at Bernie’s 3?

Um…there isn’t going to be a Weekendat Bernie’s 3

I find that hard to believe.

No, it’s true, unfortunately. It’s been over 20 years since the last one, and it wasn’t well-received by audiences and I doubt it holds up too well over time.

I find it difficult to imagine what the audiences found so ludicrous about the second film.

Well, I think it’s one thing to parade a dead guy around and string him up like some kind of marionette for a weekend like we did in the first one, but it’s a whole ‘nother thing when you’re introducing voodoo and sunken treasure and having the corpse walk around whenever he hears music.

Seems like a natural plot progression to me.bernie3

I thought so too.

Because we all know it wasn’t unfunny.

Yeah, it was a solid comedy, I thought.

Like that scene where Bernie is walking underwater….and-and-and-and-and- the harpoon….(laughing too hard to speak)

Yeah, it was pretty funny, wasn’t it?

…right through his head!! Oh, my goodness, was that funny!

Yeah, yeah it was.

So, seriously, Andrew, what’s the delay in W@B 3? Did Jonathon Silverman get signed on for another season of The Single Guy?

The Single Guy? Mike, what year do you think we’re—

I know he gets a lot of flack because he’s got the most coveted time slot for any sitcom, right between Friends and Seinfeld, but I think it could stand on its own as a decent comedy.

Mike, you do know that I have done other things besides my work on the Bernie films, right?berniesingleguy

I know that you were in Mannequin.

Yes, I was. I was.

Can you promise me that you will do Weekend at Bernie’s 3 before you do Mannequin 3?

Mannequin 3? Mike, I wasn’t even in the second one.

Just promise me, okay? It would break my heart if you did that.

Okay, fine. I promise not to do Mannequin 3 before I do Weekend at Bernie’s 3.

Thank you.

Can we maybe talk about my other work, like the more recent stuff I am supposed to be promoting?

We could, I guess. But I am perusing my notes here and it seems that this interview is going to be heavy-handed with Bernie-related questions.

Well, what if I told you that I have done some other work; just in television alone for the past couple years I have been in Royal Pains, White Collar, Unforgettable, Lipstick Jungle

Wow, really? I had no idea you did all those. And for each of those roles you had to carry around a corpse and pretend he was alive for a couple of days? bernie1

Come on, man…

Say, Andrew McCarthy, would you like to join my Weekend at Bernie’s fan club? I’ve been trying to get another member besides myself for quite some time now and I think if I got you on as a card-carrying member, things will really pick up steam.

I don’t really know, Mike…

…I take out ads in the paper with my phone number, I made a webpage, but all I get are harassing phone calls from people. All day long with the phone calls telling me to get a life…

Aw, I’m sorry to hear that, man. Well, maybe if you broadened the fan club instead of just relegating it to Weekend—

And they call me a “fag” and stuff…

Hey, Mike, my feet are kind of uncomfortable. Is it too late to ask for a pair of those purple Chucks?

Really? You’re not just saying that, are you?

No, I mean it. I could really go for those sneakers.

Hot dog! Okay great! I have some fishing line too in case you want to tie our limbs together and maybe you could drag me around the apartment or down to the bank…

Let’s just start with the sneakers, okay, buddy?

You got it! Andrew McCarthy, everybody! Super nice guy!

 

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