Producers of the hit AMC television show The Walking Dead have decided to open their fifth season premier inside the Wilmington Delaware Wal-Mart. “It’s a terribly innovative idea,” said series producer David Alpert. “I can’t believe this idea didn’t occur to us sooner.”

It’s true. Wal-Mart customers, in their slovenly, overweight, sloppy, greasy, mouth-breathing, amorphic, somewhat tragic, most likely pathetic ways would be perfect zombie fodder for the series. “We weren’t planning on actually telling any of the customers about this,” Alpert informed us. “We were just going to send the cast in there with some guns and see what happens.”

It may sound as half-baked as one of those fat-fuck customers standing in line for a complimentary corndog inside the Wal-Mart, but there are only a few drawbacks to the idea. “Sound editing is unnecessary, as these customers already emit the terrible, wet, groaning sound our undead make, except they (the customers) do it while trying to get in or out of their motorized fat-fuck carts,” reported Alpert. “But the video-editing will be intensive since we will have to edit out all the cell phone use these goddamn people have while herding through the aisles. And some fans may criticize us because the Wal-Mart customer actually moves slower than our undead walkers in the series. Slower than a zombie; can you believe that?”walmartfat

Sadly, I fucking can. “But, c’mon, we’re going to shoot us some easily preventable type-2 diabetic walkers in Delaware! What can be more entertaining than that?” Season 5 of The Walking Dead starts on October 29th.

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