Just when you thought the time couldn’t get any better to buy a new Kia, you have arrived at this moment. Now, more than ever, is it the perfect time to put yourself behind the wheel of a brand new Kia, here at Kia of Westchester and Kia of Coatesville.

I know we were advertising last month that the year-end factory blowout sale was the time to buy a new Kia, but that was untrue. And also, back in November when we offered one penny over invoice, we said that prices couldn’t go any lower than that, but guess what? It was a lie! We were lying so hard, because you, my friend, have yet to strap yourself into a new Kia.

You’re a savvy consumer; we can see that now. You waited. You bided your time and held fast, sitting idly by while we tempted you with half-hearted fallacies of once-in-a-lifetime savings. And this is the sale you’ve been waiting for.

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Seriously, prices won’t get any lower than this. I’m just the voice-over guy, but from what I hear at the dealership, it’s that the owner, Jim Sipala, has gone off his nut and is offering zero percent APR financing as well as $3,000 for any kind of trade-in that you can make it to the lot. Seriously—any kind of trade-in! You got an old clunker that is just taking up space in the driveway? Is it missing some parts? A battery? Windshield wipers? An engine? Push it on down to Kia of Westchester or Kia of Coatesville and Jim will hand you $3,000 toward your new Kia.

You still use a horse and carriage to get around? Trot on down to visit Jim! He’ll compliment your monocle and stovetop hat, all while handing you $3,000 dollars. But the horse is dead, you say? No problem! Simply bring in a hoof to Jim. He trusts you! Three grand for a hoof—guaranteed.

Hell, he’ll even tug on your dick a little as he hands you the cash.

Look, once the higher-ups realize what Jim is up to, they’re going to toss him in the loony bin. No joke! Jim is going to be wearing a straight-jacket because he wants to go out of business; that’s how faithful he is to Kia automobiles. He is willing to take a heavy loss on each car that is driven off the lot. Why, you ask? Because he’s passionate. He believes in the Kia, as should you.

If Gandhi were alive today, he wouldn’t be preaching non-violent protest, he’d be standing next to Jim at Kia of Coatesville or Kia of Westchester and handing you the keys to your new Kia. He’d be like, “Be the change you want to see in the world…here at Kia of Coatesville or Kia of Westchester.” So what are you waiting for??

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Jim’s bosses aren’t very pleased with his behavior. They’re nearing his dealership, fists raised and ready to storm the lot. Jim will be tossing keys out to every person within range, until finally, Jim will be overtaken by Kia stockholders. He will be kicked in the face by wing-tipped shoes worn by bald old men who don’t see Jim’s vision of you driving a new Kia. They will stomp him, they will spit on him, they will humiliate him in front of his family. He will be beaten to within an inch of his life and will be given one final chance to repent this ridiculous sale of Kia automobiles. But he won’t. He’s literally dying to see you in a New Kia. On his last breath, he will see you drive off his lot in a brand new Kia. You will give a friendly honk of the horn and he will smile and wink at you as he parts from his mortal coil. Don’t let Jim die in vain. Get yourself into a new Kia.

Okay, I know we said that at the beginning of this advertisement that it was the best time to buy a new Kia, but that was simply untrue. NOW is the best time to buy a new Kia—literally right this second is the best time to buy. No, wait, you missed it. Now…right…now! Buy! Shit, you missed it. NOW!

 

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