Die-Hard-2-Icicle

With only one month left of what has been the worst winter in decades, Vondrook has offered its reader(s?) some helpful tips to get to the soft, warm light at the end of the dark tunnel that is Winter 2014.

 

  • If the snow is falling hard enough for you to use your windshield wipers, then you must turn on your headlights as well.  That is, if you’re as big a pussy as I thought.

 

  • If your neighbors are good Samaritans and help push your car out of a snow bank, be sure to stick your middle finger out your window as you drive off.

 

  • Be mindful of “thug” ice.

 

  • For residents in Arizona, New Mexico, and California: Fuck you.

 

  • Keep your outdoor pets safe by skinning them alive and donning their pelts.

 

  • Aside from being sharp and extremely dangerous, icicles also leave no fingerprints.

 

  • If you are a meteorologist, you must report the weather outside in the blizzard to assure us at home that there is indeed a blizzard out there.

 

  • While at the office water cooler, casually roll your eyes at a co-worker and be like, “global warming, right?”

 

  • If you are driving in a snowstorm with four-wheel drive, do whatever the fuck you want.

 

  • If you see someone trying to dig their car out of the snow, stand by the window and watch them struggle while slowly giving that person the finger.