With the long, cold winter finally behind us, we would like to offer our reader(s?) some tips and tricks to better enjoy the upcoming spring season safely and cheerfully.springflower1

  • Are you allergic to bee stings? To find out, simply chuck some rocks into any bee’s nests you come across.
  • Now that the ground has thawed, excitedly wait by the window to see if the neighborhood kids discover the body.
  • Look, just cut the grass now and get it over with. Otherwise, she is just going to nag on you during the whole goddamn game.
  • Spring is the season of pests that will awaken and infiltrate your home. It is best to just punch the first Girl Scout you see approaching your home to sell cookies. This will send a message to the others.
  • Practice good neighbor etiquette by standing inside your living room with your hedge-trimmers and saying, “Hi, Bill.” Practice this for as long as you need to until you are ready to step outside.
  • Spring is also associated with a deep cleaning of the house. If you find your enthusiasm lacking in this endeavor, watch an episode of Hoarders. That shit will sober you right up to the task at hand.
  • Did you know that you were supposed to turn your clocks ahead a few weeks ago? If you didn’t then you are probably unemployed. Or a Baldwin.
  • Is it rabbit season? Wait. It’s duck season. No, hold on, yeah. Rabbit season. Definitely. Right? Shit, I don’t know.