• If your dentist recommends using a soft-bristled toothbrush, that just means he’s soft on gingivitis. gingivitisProbably soft on crime, soft on terrorism…let’s face it: the guy’s a pussy.
  • When tooth pain does occur, make sure to tongue the exposed nerve once every other second to remind yourself that it hurts. Because you like pain, don’t you? Don’t you, you little maggot?!
  • Sugar is notoriously bad for your teeth. That is why all candy should be snorted.
  • If you are self-conscious about your smile, simply move to London.
  • Before going to the dentist, practice good patient etiquette by shoving your fist into your mouth and trying to answer various questions.
  • The gums are the fastest healing part of the human body, so…oh, my god why are they bleeding so bad!!
  • If you are out of mouthwash, rinse out your mouth with that bottle of vodka you got there on your nightstand. Spitting optional.
  • Try to get the ugliest hygienist possible. Because honestly, you don’t need that kind of stress in your life.
  • Don’t forget the two greatest allies to immaculate oral hygiene: procrastination and denial!


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