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Jake! I would like to thank you very much for taking the time to answer some of my questions.

Happy to be here, Michael. Nice place you have here.

Yeah, thanks, it’s alright.

I especially like your random assortment of disposable cutlery.

Yeah, they spruce up the place quite nicely, I find.  Jake! It is so good to see you! I can’t believe you’re here! I have so many questions.

Well, I’m here to answer them, so go right ahead.

Ok. Ok. Ok. Let’s see…how are you?

Good! Good! I feel great!

How are your products moving along? I see that there are still products with your name on them, but your physical presence seems to have disappeared off of the infomercial scene.

. . .

. . .

That… that’s not a question, Michael. But I will discuss that. I am in my mid-fifties now, still in great shape of course, but I find that my brand name goes a lot farther than just my working out on the equipment. I still do the voice-over work. That is something I have always enjoyed.  But for instance, for one of my latest products, the Tower 200, we got celebrity spokesman, 5-time MMA Champion Randy “The Natural” Couture to endorse our product.

Wow! MMA Champion!

5 time Champ, yeah.

That’s very exciting! Quick question: What is MMA?

Mixed Martial Arts. What did you think it stood for?

Let’s not… I’m glad you named the Tower 200 specifically. I have so many questions regarding this product.Image

Go for it!

Ok, first and foremost: I have a door. Does this also imply that I have a gym?

Yes! That’s the beauty of the Tower 200 by Body by Jake! Anyone with a door and 11 minutes on their hands has their own gym. Isn’t that fantastic?

Yes, it truly is! What about a swinging kitchen door like the one from the set of ALF? Will that work?Image

Ah, no. I don’t think it will. In fact, you will probably repeatedly smack the door against your head with up to 200 pounds of explosive resistance.

And the beaded curtains I have for my bathroom door; I assume this is no good.

That is correct. The beads don’t actually act as a physical door, more of a cover for the doorway of your bathroom.

I’m learning so much, Jake.

Hey, that’s why I’m here. Here’s the kind of doors the Tower 200 works on: House, office, and dorm. That’s why the slogan goes, “Gotta door? You gotta gym!”

Oh, shit! I see it now. “Gotta” as in “Got A” not, “Got to.”

Right. Exactly.

I was way off! Oh, man, honest, like, 85% of my confusion—gone. Ok, so is it safe to say something like, “I gotta workout. Fortunately, I gotta door, so I in turn gotta gym.”

Michael, I think you’ve got it. Plus, it’s padded, so there’s no messing up your door.

But my door isn’t padded. Will this mess up my gym?

No, it will not. The padding will protect both your gym and your door. I think you would really benefit from one of these fine products. I got one out in my car, why don’t we set you up with one? It’s Risk free for just $14.95.

Eh, I don’t know, Body by Jake, I did a couple pushups a few months ago, and I’m still coming down from that burn.

Michael, look at you. You weigh what, 160 pounds?

I weigh a gentlemanly 163.

And you’ve got arms like an atrophied eel. Let me just go get a Tower 200 real fast and see how you like it.

Body by Jake, I gotta be a straight-shooter here: I’ve been hitting the box wine pretty hard today, and I really think if I were to exercise I would release vomit and bowel with 200 foot-pounds of explosive non-resistance.

What a sight you are.

Look, Franzia gave me the courage to conduct this interview. I was really nervous.

You’re still shaking like a weak Chihuahua. I wouldn’t say that’s nerves, more like malnutrition.

You should have seen me before I ate that handful of peanut brittle.

Well, look, it’s been real, but I should really get going. I hope I answered all your questions.

You did, Mr. Steinfeld. You sincerely did not disappoint. Let me walk you to the front gym—I mean, door! Gah! I keep doing that.