As October nears to a close, we would like to offer our little ghouls and ghosts some tips to not just keep their Halloween a safe one, but fun as well.



  • Halloween is a night of mystery and mischief. However, report to the police if you see any extremely lewd or criminal behavior, like people giving out toothbrushes or fruits instead of candy.


  • Kids, if you’re looking to give the adults in your suburban neighborhood a good scare, simply dress as an educated black male.


  • Double your score of candy by taking that diabetic kid with you on your rounds.


  • Only accept candy from people who live in homes around your neighborhood and never enter a car for a treat. But what if the guy lives in his van? Well, now we’re just in a quandary, aren’t we?halloween 3-2


  • Glow sticks help increase your visibility to vehicles on the road. If you’re having trouble opening the glow stick, consult an adult to open it and pour the liquid into a glass for you to drink.


  • Do you remember those hard plastic masks we had to wear? With the miniscule slits for the eyes and the tiny gash for the mouth? And you couldn’t get enough of your exhalation out through the slit and it would come right back into the mask and seep up into the cheek area and you’d sweat your face off as soon as you got to the third or fourth house and pretty soon you had to keep lifting the mask between houses? The fuck was that about, anyway?


  • If you’ve turned your home into a house of horror for Trick-or-Treaters, it is best to get your dog to come raging around the corner and sweep them into the home from the rear, forcing them into your own homemade nightmare. Lock the door behind them securely. And now the game is on.


  • If you accidentally hit a Trick-or-Treater with your car, do your best to dress the kid up as a deer and then go about your business.


  • Never let small children go out without an adult chaperone; unless they are dressed as Superman or Batman—then they can handle themselves.

halloween 3-3



Oooooo, what scary costumes! Why not come into my van and get yourself a free e-book of funny essays? Simply click here. There’s a king-size Snickers in it for ya!