With the season of Spring officially here, love is in the air. And to help you navigate through the murky black sludge that is the single dating life, here are some tips for the Vondrook reader on how to achieve the highest rate of success when going on a first date.

  • If your date says she likes a “take charge” type of guy, try to get the waiter or somebody to hear that as well, because that’s consent, bro.


  • Girls, if the date was not a complete success, nothing says, “I think we should just be friends” like a good old fashioned hand-jibber in the Burger King parking lot.


  • Oh, you have a lot of cats with a lot of different personalities, eh? No, he really wants to hear about them. Individually, with photographs, if you can.


  • Guys, if you accidentally say something emasculating, like, “I pee sitting down,” try to counter-balance that statement with something super macho and manly like, “I enjoy hitting women.”


  • Dating is all about subtlety. There’s no shame in the fact that you are wearing a catheter, but try to ease into the fact that it is on its 5th straight day of use.


  • If the two of you hit it off by finding out that you are both big fans of the band Good Charlotte, that’s wonderful! However, the sex will probably be really smelly and uninspired.


  • Sexually Transmitted Diseases are no laughing matter. But, if you find that you both have the same one, it does warrant a good chuckle


  • Be original! Instead of trying to get her loaded up on booze in the restaurant, ask her if she wants to huff some glue behind the dumpster.


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