VHS Accuses DVD of Genocide, Cover Up
Boston or Cleveland… Somewhere in America – Not since the Nuremberg Trials has such an all-encompassing effort taken place to reveal the actual events of the VHS disappearance. Some call it a hoax, others have called it planned obsolescence, but for many, it was an atrocity the likes of which have never been seen before.
“How do one hundred million VHS tapes just disappear?” asks Jerry Brundle, the prosecutor hired for the case. “What about those that were forced to live in attics or to hide in basements or sold to the highest bidder in garages or on people’s lawns, usually for no more than fifty cents apiece? When did it become okay to just turn our backs?”
The trial that began less than a year ago has turned into an all out condemnation of DVD for committing what has been deemed a VHS genocide. DVD contends that they had no policy for eliminating VHS and that it had even tried to work with the medium to improve its living situation.
“There is no basis for these accusations. We didn’t see anyone point a finger when Beta, or laser disc, or the nickelodeons just disappeared,” said Guy Harvey a spokesman for DVD. “We can’t let VHS just rewind history. It’s not how it works. You should be able to move around history to find specific places you want to go.”
The most damning evidence came from the heated testimony of the survivors.
“We were relegated to a few isles in the back of Best Buy and Target with the work out videos and high-end pornography. We were told it would be temporary. I was forced to wear a bright orange mark on my cover, we all did. They said we were clearance. We didn’t know,” recalls a VHS double pack.
The eradication appears to have been far more reaching than what was previously considered. Another VHS from a Southern New Jersey home testified, “I was told that I had to leave my house to make room for some sort of Criterion Collection disk set. I asked if I could share the space but they would not respond. It was like I was some sort of inanimate object. All I ever asked was for people to be kind and rewind.”
As the trial moves forward a broader question has arisen, what to do about the remaining VHS tapes? There has been a motion to provide them with safe territory in a hipster community around Northern California. The US government is prepared to provide shelter and funding to make room for them much like they did for the great cassette tape exodus to Africa and the Middle East.