Unemployed Virgin Optimistic About Eagles’ Chances This Year
Philadelphia, PA- In regards to the upcoming Philadelphia Eagles 2014 football season, local virgin Barry Brennan expressed great enthusiasm.
“I really think this might be our year,” stated the 48-year-old Brennan, who hasn’t felt the sensual touch of a woman since April of 1997. “I know we’re only one week into the season, but still, they look good.”
It’s true. The Eagles defeated the Jacksonville Jaguars last Sunday with 34 unanswered points in the second half last week, with second-year head coach Chip Kelly at the helm. “I don’t know much about Chip Kelly,” confessed Brennan, a masturbator of network television, “but last year showed some promise, and it can only get better from here.”
Before Chip Kelly, Andy Reid was the head coach and had been since 1999, which was two years removed from when a then 32-year-old Brennan received a knuckly handjob outside the local T.G.I. Fridays restaurant. He did not reach orgasm.
Brennan, who was given his walking papers at the warehouse last December and was forced to move into his mother’s basement, looks forward to the season with great relish. “Last December was great; the Eagles were showing positive signs of life, but the season ended just as soon as they really got going.”
When asked if there was any concern that there were 4 quarterbacks reporting to training camp to vie for the starting spot, Brennan remained steadfast in his impenetrable optimism. “Four quarterbacks, I think that’s great,” replied Brennan, a man who got his first kiss because a girl lost a bet, “it just shows how much depth this team will have when the season really gets tough.”
“That’s the great thing about being an Eagles fan,” said Brennan, who cried himself to sleep last night, “we never give up.”
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