Cheltenham, PA— A two-alarm residential fire broke out on Windsor Avenue last Monday, resulting in Fire and Rescue squads to save the day.

The owners of the home, Fred and Mary Kapowski, were pulled from the home by Cheltenham’s Finest only to reveal there was a remaining Kapowski left inside the home.

“Our son,” Mr. Kapowski cried. “Our son is upstairs!!”

Firefighters scanned the outside of the house and placed the ladder next to the upstairs window where a tot-finder window decal was placed. Second-year firefighter Martin Thomas, 25, was instructed to save the child.

“It was going to be my first save, and I couldn’t have been happier,” said Thomas. “All firefighters dream of saving that helpless child from a fire.”

Urgently and carefully, Thomas scaled the ladder and took a glance at the tot-finder window sticker before reaching the interior of the home. “I remember looking at that sticker when I was a child and wishing that someday I would be just like the firefighter in the picture. It’s why I became a firefighter.” Thomas said in retrospect.

Upon getting through the window however, Martin was met with confusion. “I saw some guy passed out on a futon next to a bag of Fritos, and I thought, ‘this must be the kid’s dad.’”

Thomas awoke the man, asking for the location of his child. “He said he didn’t have any kids,” said Thomas, “And I was like, ‘You’re the tot? Dude, are you fuckin’ kidding me? You’re like, 40!’”

Sadly, for Martin Thomas, it was true. Fred and Mary Kapowski’s son, Walter, had never moved out of his parents’ home. The tot-finder sticker had remained on his window undisturbed since 1974, leaving Martin Thomas with a terribly bitter taste of disappointment in his efforts.

“I couldn’t believe it. My heroic moment was ruined.” Thomas reported. “I told him to get off his lazy ass and get on the ladder, but he said he inhaled too much smoke, and I was like, ‘Dude, you probably took too many bong hits. Get up.’”

But Walter insisted that he wasn’t fine, and Martin Thomas’s iconic vision of saving a young child from the flames was marred by the reality of “carrying some overweight deadbeat fuck from his rent-free bedroom.”

After all the Kapowski’s were in each others arms, the fire squad put out the flames all the while mocking Martin’s ‘tot-finder heroics.’

Fred and Mary Kapowski went over to thank young Martin Thomas for saving their son’s life. Thomas shuddered and said, “What life?”