Tim Tebow Accused of Performance-Enhancing Prayers
Tim Tebow, the popular Christian/football player has been vying for a spot with the Philadelphia Eagles franchise this summer. Amid a field of four quarterbacks applying for three spots on the roster, rumors have begun circulating that Tebow has been using a ridiculous amount of prayer and blind faith to get him that spot.
“In order for Tim to be competing at the level the Eagles are asking for,” said an anonymous source, “Tebow would have to be praying at least nine hours a day. And not just to his Christian God, either.”
According to numerous sources inside the Eagles training camp locker room, Tebow has been accused of praying to not just his Christian god, but also to Muslim’s Allah, Hindu’s Brahman, and Karta Purakh (Sikh) among others.
“It is a ridiculous allegation,” stated Tebow’s agent, Jimmy Sexton, “that my client would pray to any god other than his own in order to make the team.” When asked on whether or not his client has been heard praying to Hermes, the Greek god of sport, Sexton ignorantly replied, “No. Absolutely not. My client is a happy, heterosexual Christian who lives only to bless the ladies.”
However much Sexton wants to wave away the allegations, reports from training camp are saying that Tebow is doing surprisingly well at practice and if he continues as he is, then the third string quarterback spot is as good as his, thank gods.
“I can’t believe it myself,” said Eagles head coach Chip Kelly. “If you asked me two years ago if I would even faintly consider putting that frilly-throwing God-boy on my roster, I’d say you were crazy. But lately I’ve just got this…feeling. It’s not a fleeting feeling, either; it lasts about eight or nine hours a day, and for those hours, I feel that Tim should be on the Eagles.”
Coach Kelly is aware of the allegations set forth by teammates and the media concerning Tim’s misuse of various deities and had this to say: “If he [Tim] was doing such a thing, why pick our organization? I mean, to be fair, we’re kind of a terrible team. Can’t the use of all these Gods get him better than a third string position on a floundering Eagles team?”
If this is the best all those Gods can do, Chip, what does that say about his natural, God-given talent as a quarterback?
This article by Michael first appeared in Newscult.com.
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