oneweirdtrick

Congratulations on clicking this article and therefore deciding to better your life! You, sir, are a brave soul. What seems to be ailing you? Which crudely-drawn advertisement did you click on, if I may ask? Is it the one weird trick for cutting belly fat? The weird trick for curing diabetes? Increase your credit rating? Was it the one where it looks like you can learn a language in the span of five minutes?

Did you think the advertisement was one of your child’s drawings? Happens all the time, trust me. If you think one of our ads was drawn by your child, may I ask if your child is mentally retarded? Do you need one weird trick to cure your child’s embarrassingly glaring intellectual deficiency?

No? Well, I can offer more than that. After all, it is just “one weird trick.” The “one” implies hardly any effort on your part. The “weird” intrigues you, doesn’t it, you little rapscallion? And as for the “trick,” well, it makes you feel like you’re getting away with something that the powers that be don’t want you to know. So, please, tell me what you need and I will tell you what single odd deception you can use to accomplish the impossible!

Do you want to make good on bad debts? Invest on a passed opportunity? Embrace those you once pushed away? Pass on that “one last drink” you had before getting behind the wheel on that fateful night? Did you need one weird trick to cleanly dispose a body?

There’s one weird trick to forgive your parents (even if they’re dead). And of course, there’s also a way to get your children’s forgiveness (yes, even if they too are dead). And you’re probably wondering, “How many weird tricks does something like that take?” Here’s a hint: it’s less than two and more than zero, and it is strangely not too difficult to accomplish. (I hope you like cadmium!)

Hey. Do you want to pet your first dog again?

One.

Weird.

Trick.

Or do you just want to enlarge your penis? Yeah, you want to enlarge your penis, don’t you? No, I understand, I get it. You must be like every other white male in America and fear that your penis is not sufficient for women aged 18-45. I mean, why work on your personality and emotional stability when there might be a possibility to enlarge your penis with one weird trick, right, fella? I’m surprised you didn’t feel your penis grow an extra two inches when you clicked on this article! I’m kidding, of course. No, I am sorry, in actuality we do not have a single trick for penis enlargement. There is nothing weird or uncanny or mysterious or cryptic or ambiguous that can be done with your infantile penis size. You’re simply stuck with the penis you’re born with, I’m sorry. However! We do have one weird trick to make your hands smaller, if that helps.

This article first appeared on www.newscult.com

Hey, do you want to get your tiny, little hands on a free E-book of funny essays written by the author of this article? Simply click here!