OK, look, we don’t do traffic copters anymore. I’m in the studio now. And if you’ve seen one traffic report, then you’ve seen them all: There’s traffic everywhere and one day we will all be dead.

Oh, you’re still watching? Ok, fine. Let’s check out the traffic cameras…oh! On route 76 eastbound between route 1 and Spring Garden, it looks like some asshole on his cell phone just got creamed; expect delays. Over here on the I-95 expressway (if you can’t tell, I am air-quoting the word “expressway”), northbound we have construction traffic, because, you know, it’s fucking rush hour, and oh, look at this asshole in the Mercedes driving along the shoulder looking to cut in somewhere. Yeah, you’re the oooooooonly person who has to be somewhere, pal! What a sack ‘o shit this guy is. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts this guy is from Jersey. Can we get a report on whether or not this asshole is from Jersey?

Moving on to the Turnpike, on the Northeast extension, we got a mother in a minivan having a conniption while careening in and out of lanes, disrupting the flow commuters. Jesus, doesn’t anybody take the bus anymore?

We have other traffic cameras set up on all the major highways, but we really don’t have time. Simply take what I just said, copy it, paste it, and get to work. Use your alternative alternate route if you can. And now let me turn it over to Debbie who is going to misinform the ever-loving shit out of you with the latest diet fad! Debbie?

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