The Vondrook Movie Review: Breeders!
Writer: Paul Mathews
Starring: Todd Jensen, Samantha Womack, Oliver Tobias
This Vondrook Review was originally posted on www.jedbundy.com
Okay, so here is the summary: A meteorite crash-lands at a university containing an alien creature as well as one human girl. The Alien must use the human girls in order to mate and replicate (or breed) its species. Classes for the college start the next day.
Is this movie bad? Goodness, yes. From its Windows 95 Power Point opening credits to its photo-shopped explosions at the end, this movie is thoroughly terrible. Now, with that being said, I decided that getting angry at such a movie with a low-budget and rushed plot will leave you feeling empty. So I thought maybe we could look at this film and see what we can take away from it. Because after all, if you can’t learn from something, why bother? So let’s see what we learned from the 1997 smash hit Breeders!
1) College Chicks Dig On Meteorites–It’s true! Once that meteorite crashed on campus, the entire student body went nuts for some meteorite necklaces. Even the janitor—yes, the janitor was making a killing as the guy who was supposed to clean up the meteorite mess. He was charging 300 dollars per necklace as well as receiving sexual favors. I’ll repeat that: the janitor was receiving sex after being handed $300 for the meteorite necklace.
Guys, if you have the means, I highly recommend getting into the meteorite necklace business. If you don’t have any spare meteorites lying around the house, maybe you could just take a blue highlighter to a rock in your backyard, but that might only work on the community college girls. Burn.
2) Your Art History Teacher Will Either Seduce You or Murder You Without Hesitation—This one might make you feel conflicted, depending on your thoughts on art history teachers. Our main character, Ashley (yes, that’s his name), instantly falls in love with one of his students, Louise (Samantha Womack), on the first day of class and they start sleeping together immediately. Unfortunately, she has a meteorite necklace and soon is being controlled by the alien to kill Ashley. Ashley removes the necklace and his girlfriend goes back to normal.
However, once other girls get their meteorite necklaces activated, Ashley just blows them in half with a shotgun and says they couldn’t be saved. Even the detective in charge of the case was like, “Yeah, of course you shot them; they’ve got meteorite necklaces.” So class, if you’re looking to murder someone, make sure you throw a rock with blue highlighter on the body before walking away so as not to arouse any suspicion.
3) Alien Hunting is Terribly Arousing—I’ve never hunted an alien in the sewer before, but if I were, based on this movie, I would probably spend half of the time hiding my erection. Judging by what Louise’s upper body has to deal with while traversing the sewers looking for the alien breeder, either the sewer itself is frighteningly cold or the idea of bagging an evil alien turns her on something fierce. I prefer to go with the latter because life is a mystery and I think it best if another strange fetish was added to our species– it’s what makes us breed.
There is one problem, however. A bonus question for you: how is it that Ashley decides what will kill the alien (since his bullets are useless) are pieces of the meteorite placed inside shotgun shells? How does that make any sense? That’s like saying all children are invincible unless you beat them with their own bicycle spokes.
Other than that, there’s a whole bunch of life lessons to learn from this movie. Share it with a friend!
Why not breed with a good read? Download the free E-Book of essays written by the author of this article! Simply click here.