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Director: Mike Nichols

Writers: Sam Freeman, Charles Black, Kohta Asakura (story), Anthony Masi (story)

Starring: Kristina Klebe, Dan Shaked, Marianne Hagan

This review first appeared on www.jedbundy.com

A Review by Michael Jenkins

According to my 10 Horror Movie DVD 2 disc set (over 14 hours of horror!), Bread Crumbs is about: “When a group of actors head out to a remote location to film, they find that they are not alone in the woods—two strange children have joined them.”

And now I feel I must make a distinction. These aren’t just “actors” heading out to a remote cabin to shoot a film; these are porno actors. And it’s good that these characters are shooting a porno because you might hope that it will actually lead to something entertaining. The premise is almost as simple as a pornographic movie: there are people in a cabin and two weird teens are out there killing people if they step outside.

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I found it difficult to get a good read on the characters of this movie, either because they were bad actors or they weren’t relatable in any way. Then I remembered that porno actors don’t have souls. Or was that prostitutes? Mormons? Shoot, I can’t remember. But that’s what this movie does: it is so boring and banal that you are left with your own meandering thoughts instead of focusing on the movie and trying to be entertained.

Where was I? Right. The heroine of the film, Angie (Marianne Hagan), is looking to make her last adult film and lead a normal life afterwards: become a wife, and maybe a mother with a regular 9:00-5:00 job. The crew comes across the two children while making their way to the cabin and completely disregard them, thinking they are just backwoods hicks instead of children wandering strangely in the woods with blood on them who might need their help. And what the hell is a porno doing being shot in a cabin in the woods anyway? Who actually shoots pornography on location with actual actors or even a plot? That’s pretty old-school stuff. Porn nowadays is just a myriad of quick clips with no setup, no sexual tension, just wham-bam-thank you-ma’am, creating a whole generation of men on their laptops who prematurely ejaculate. Gah! I’m doing it again! Focus, Michael!

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The children are not pleased with the crew when they settle into the cabin because they see what is going on (sex, lies, and a touch of videotape) and decide that they need to be killed because they, “live in a house of candy.” Somebody steps outside the cabin and they get killed. Then no one inside really seems to give a damn emotionally (see: soulless) and they try to concoct a plan to leave.

The only thing that kept this movie going was the Angie character, who wanted to keep the little girl alive thinking that it was just the brother who was doing the killing.

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But after the 3rd or 4th person gets killed, that thread is being pulled pretty thin. Even Eddie (Mike Nichols), the director of the porno was like, “C’mon Angie, it’s not like this is the first time you ever killed a kid.”

And that was…well that was way over the line, dude! How did we go from shooting a sexy cabin-porno to making snide remarks about past abortions? When did this happen? That was your argument to kill the girl, because Angie here had an abortion or two back in the day? Dude, your dead wife is laying at  your feet with a whole bunch of arrows shot in her back, you soulless monster.

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So when it turns out that it was the little girl who was manipulating her brother to kill, well, that’s a twist I guarantee no one saw coming because no one was giving a shit. There are also some serious maternal issues going on in the movie with Angie and the wandering teens. There are some frequent “Mommy” references which Angie uses to manipulate the boy to help buy her some time to escape, which she does, but not really. She did come across a man in the woods who offered to take her to the hospital, but she ran away from him, only to be hunted down later by the boy and girl. Credits.

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Now, maybe I was a bit too harsh on the movie. Maybe there is more going on here than at first glance. The abortion reference sticks in my mind; as most abortion references do. You couple the abortion references with Angie’s maternal instincts to defend the murderous girl and you’ve got a possible motive behind the slaying. Hey, didn’t Angie and the girl have the same red-colored hair? Could these children actually be the souls of Angie’s aborted children from years ago who wanted her to lead a normal life, away from the pornographers that are now dead and scattered all over the woods? Did Angie refuse help from the man at the end because of her own shame and guilt over her past life as a porno actress? Well, no. If that were true, the boy would be running around the woods with a giant coat-hanger rather than an axe. Man, I have to quit the meandering thoughts.

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