With the NFL Draft just days away, many NFL fans are taking the time to simulate a variety of different scenarios in which the draft might play out. Depending on wild speculation and rambling conjecture, the entire three day event will be simulated numerous times and absolutely no one will be better for it. And since these mock drafts are even less effective and informative than a CosPlay round of Dungeons and Dragons, many wonder why to even bother doing them in the first place.

“It’s a great opportunity to get away from my wife and kids,” said Gerry Olander, 46, of Philadelphia, Pa. “That is, if I had a wife and children.”

It’s true. Gerry is not the only one who uses the mock NFL draft to escape the mockery of his own life. “It’s easier to suspect who the Redskins will pick after the Raiders make their choice,” said Carl Listrom, 38, of Sacramento, “than to actually wonder how great my own career could be going if I were to just grow a goddamn spine and stand up to that back-stabbing Johnson in Accounting.”

The NFL Draft lasts from Thursday until Saturday, but people like Gerry and Carl have been preparing for it for months. “When I saw that Tampa Bay was getting the first pick in the draft back in January,” said Gerry, “I thought, ‘I better get my stats together. It looks like I’ll have to put off trying to meet someone for another five months.’”

“The draft order couldn’t have come at a better time,” said Carl. “Johnson in Accounting was just starting to report libelous things about me to the boss just as we were acquiring a major merge with another company, so it was best to just slump in my chair and focus on the draft rather than what was going on around me.”

“When the draft is over on Saturday,” said Gerry, “I will happily go back to my mock-wife and my mock-kids, but for now, the mock-draft is just too important a mockery in my own hard mock-life.”

Mock mock mock.


Why go to the beach when you can just a pop a pill? Why bother meeting anyone new when you can just download a FREE E-Book by the author of this article? Simply click here