With Daylight Savings coming to a close last week and the days getting shorter, Mitch Stevens was eagerly anticipating a brutal season of depression and months of catatonic despair.

“Just thinking about how awful last winter was fills me with a sense of dread and existential tumultuousness,” stated Mitch Stevens, a 36 year old software developer from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. “I always get like this in the winter time; I’m so used to it I usually don’t even notice it.” Fortunately for Mitch, however, he happened upon the coffee creamer section while at his local grocer’s mart last Wednesday and decided a change was needed. “I am not usually one to do something like this, especially in the middle of the week,” Mitch told Vondrook reporters, “But something in my life needed to change, and I came to the hard conclusion that it was the coffee creamer.”coffeemateguy1

Mitch went from Nestle’s Original Flavor Coffee-mate to Nestle’s Hazelnut-Flavored Coffee-mate.

“It’s just the kind of crazy mix-‘em-up my life needs right now,” Mitch said while placing the product in his handheld cart, among his other purchases which included a large jar of peanut butter (chunky), a small loaf of bread, as well as various Dinty Moore single serving microwavable dinners. “This kind of decision does not come lightly.”

Mitch’s previous combatants for the winter depression included: selling Herbalife, starting some form of tobacco habit, and purchasing new sneakers. All were proven to be unsuccessful when combating the gnawing itch to end his pathetic life which reaches its highest fervor usually near the end of February.

“February is always the toughest month for me, but I think with this coffee-creamer flavor I will take the depression head on and emerge victorious,” said a now optimistic Mitch. “Sure, it’s only November, but I feel good. I feel like this could be the year I don’t caress my rifle under the covers with the shades drawn.”

Mitch neared the checkout aisle and thought that maybe he could meet a nice girl, start exercising, or possibly switch careers, but warned himself against overwhelming his capabilities as a person. “Let’s start with the coffee-mate for now and see where that goes first.”

 

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