This article first appeared on Newscult. Read the original article here


Procter and Gamble would love to introduce you to the new Swiffer Wet Jet. It’s an all-in-one mopping system that traps and locks dirt so it doesn’t get pushed around. And just as Swiffer Wet Jet won’t push the dirt around, it knows you won’t get pushed around, either. You know why? Because Swiffer Wet Jet knows you are a strong independent woman, that’s why.

And all of your female coworkers are jealous of you.

The Swiffer Wet Jet comes with a built-in cleaning solution that breaks up tough, sticky messes such as syrup, chocolate, the cabernet that spilled down your drunken chin, or your last marriage. The solution is tough on dirt and grime but gentle on virtually every surface like the small of your back and the knot of stress between your shoulder blades.

Fall into the sensuous, erogenous touch of the Swiffer Wet Jet…

Its reinforced handle releases the perfect amount of solution with just the touch of a finger, because you are that attractive. And if you’re not in the mood to release its solution, that’s okay, because Swiffer Wet Jet understands that you’ve had a tough day and are juggling like, a million things right now.

Can Swiffer Wet Jet get you some aspirin from cupboard? Perhaps a foot rub?

It has a stronger pad attachment that keeps the cleaning pad in place as you clean because Swiffer Wet Jet won’t sway, won’t run away and abandon you like a coward when times get tough and is not embarrassed to be seen behind the wheel of a minivan.

Swiffer Wet Jet’s flexible swivel head gets everywhere you can’t and has a dual sided shoulder which you can cry on when it all just seems like too much.

Most importantly, Swiffer Wet Jet is safe for cleaning on virtually every floor type and will love Jeremy unconditionally even though Swiffer Wet Jet is not Jeremy’s biological father. “After all,” says Swiffer Wet Jet, “it’s not Jeremy’s fault his real father is a loser.”

$23.99 MSRP

Fall into the sensuous, erogenous touch of Mike Jenkins by downloading his FREE E-Book of essays available for download here. With just the click of a single button you too can own his book and release his patented humor solution!