Bernard Spörk—humble correspondent

CHATSWORTH, CA — As the economy continues to sag, many perverts are being forced to diversify their pornfolios in order to have any chance at a happy ending.

The Southern California Organization of Revenue Estimation (SCORE) predicts that total sales for pornographic movies—90 percent of which are produced in the San Pornando Valley— are slated to hit an all-time low in 2010.

“People just aren’t making trips to the back rooms of their video stores anymore,” said Elliot Shaddock, an economic analyst with SCORE, adding that internet sales and rentals are “even more flaccid than expected.”

Still, Shaddock doesn’t believe the money shots are going to stop coming. “If AIDs and STDs couldn’t kill the porn film industry then I doubt a limp economy will either,“ he said. “The industry is really seeing a change in their business model.”

Shaddock points to a recent report in Hardcore Weekly that shows rental services like Net Lix are in major danger of going down. The company is struggling with competition as more pervs choose to stream free online movies on the computers in their parents’ basements.

Not everyone is impressed with Marv Hargrove's porn collection.

Unemployed bank-teller Marv Hargrove, 39, is one of these downloaders of the night. He admits that the quality of most online selections leave a lot to be desired, but they still provide him with sufficient “spank fodder.”

“Do these videos have Climaxxx Studios-type production quality? Hell no, but they do get the job done,” explained Hargrove. “I just use them whenever I feel like making some rich deposits at my own bank–if you catch my drift. When I need the good stuff I just barter for it at the Porn Trader.”

Disgusting analogies aside, Hargrove and his depraved friends are following a popular trend. More and more porn swap meets are sprouting up in abandoned buildings and vacant lots across Southern California. These most bizarre of bazaars allow porn enthusiasts to talk shop and trade erotic movies.

Hargrove isn’t sure what the future holds for the porn industry, but believes the underground porn marts have given him a stimulating history lesson. “Dude, I’m just getting into the classics,” Hargrove said while rummaging through a stack of newly acquired VHS tapes. I had no idea how awesome ‘70s porn was—no rules, no condoms, but lots and lots of hair…naturally tasteful.”