Top ten worst science creations and inventions of all time

Furious Kelly | Vondrook list writer

1. The particle collider: We all know you’re just dicking around in there.

2. The wasp whistle: Sure, a swarm of wasps at your beck and call sounds great on paper but…

3. The goat monkey: Thomas Edison tried and tried, but he just couldn’t break the genetic code. He did however break more than one hundred goats and seven hundred apes in what is known as the Great Zoological Massacre in the Edison basement.

4. Sign language: Totally made up and used to mess with us 5 sensers.

5. Five-headed cobra: Actually, that one was pretty fucking cool. Not sure why it’s on the list. Go check it out. Great for kids.

6. The-hammer-saw-blade-screw-fork-machete-radio clock: I miss you dad.

7. The Notebook: A movie invented by female scientists to see how many men they could get to cry in the theater or two months later while watching with their girlfriends who promised not to tell anyone but them told everyone and you had to play it off like you had sand in your eye but you totally knew you cried and hate yourself for it.

8. Homosexuality: Invented by the Germans to get back at the French for WWI.

9. Rape: Invented by the French to get back at the Germans for Prussian War and the author Friedrich Gottlieb Klopstock for butchering the pronunciations of the word “oui.”

10. Freedom fries: Invented by the Americans to get back at the French and Germans for not wanting us to go into Iraq but unintentionally offended the Belgians who invented French fries in the first place. The Belgians are planning their revenge in 2011.  

Bonus 10. Sarah Palin’s brain: The republicans thought they had created the perfect political robot. Just feed in the Scantron of appropriate folksy platitudes and watch ‘er go. Little did they know that Katie Couric was onto their scheme and like Kasparov versus Deep Blue she began her duel with the machine. Palin whirred and sputtered and almost exploded. The republicans are working on a 2.0 version for 2012.