Satan Reneges Deal With Larry The Cable Guy
It comes as no surprise to anyone with a sense of humor that Larry the Cable Guy’s success and fame has stemmed from making a deal with Lucifer, but an interesting development has surfaced regarding the pact the two have made: Satan claims his contract with Larry is null and void.
According to Beelzebub, Article 8, Clause 18 of the contract states that the writer of the contract is allowed to release said soul back to original human owner. Satan is exercising that right, and is giving Larry back his soul.
“I’m not an idiot,” says the Prince of Darkness. “I know better than to let that awful comedy through the gates of my hell. I may be a sadist, but c’mon….”
The theological implications are astounding! Immediately upon the news hitting the airwaves, millions of Christians have converted to other religions such as Islam, Judaism, and most have converted to Nihilism, for fear of seeing Larry in the afterlife. “What’s the point of leading a good life,” said former Lutheran minister Harry Geldoff. “If my only reward is to see that ugly piece of shit ‘comedian’ give his routine for the rest of eternity? No, it’s better to believe in nothing.”
Theologians and philosophers may be fearful like the rest of us, but have to commend Satan’s ingenuity. “It’s the most clever thing I’ve ever heard,” said Christian Philosopher Geoffrey Kelly. “The Devil is using Larry as a weapon, and after making his name known to the world, he is releasing him onto the rest of us in the afterlife; cutting him from his leash, as it were. Oh, and don’t print my profession as a ‘Christian Philosopher’. I’m an Anarchist now.”
With Nihilism, Anarchy, and Atheism rapidly surging through the world, many are believing that we as a people are speeding along an early Second Coming, where Jesus will come back and be the final decider on who will be welcomed through the gates of Heaven. “He [Jesus] may be in for a helluva surprise when he comes back,” said Anarchist Geoffrey Kelly. “He will see all sorts of depraved shit going on, and as long as Larry the Cable Guy is up in heaven, Jesus will probably be going back to his Father empty-handed.”
Apparently, the only hope for humanity is to somehow convince Larry the Cable Guy to commit an unforgivable act by means of his own free will so that he will be entered into Hell. “It has to be something unforgivable in the Christian Doctrine,” Dr. Kelly proposes. “He could murder the Pope, or piss on the Shroud of Turin, or if he really wanted to seal the deal, he could do his ‘act’ at the Vatican; because there’s a new saying in the world now: ‘It is better to burn in hell than to listen to Larry the Cable Guy in Heaven.'”