With gas prices at a long-time low, many travelers will be taking to the highway this holiday season. Here are some tips and tricks to consider before piling the family into the car for your Memorial Day weekend road trip:

  • Pack a car emergency kit before leaving. It should include: a flashlight, a fleshlight, 4 AA batteries, lube, a studded dog neck collar, and at least one fist-shaped suppository

  • The acquisition of a wayward hitchhiker is guaranteed to add a whimsical, murderous flair to an otherwise dull trip

  • Don’t follow another vehicle too closely, unless of course, that person cut you off and you think you can take him

  • Have a good-natured chuckle at the expense of other highway motorists by tying a baby car seat to the roof of your vehicle (fun for barren couples), or a pet leash to the bumper

  • Keep the kids entertained by playing car games like, “I Spy,” which, after 8 annoying minutes, you will end by looking into the rearview mirror and declaring, “I spy someone who is about to get punched in the face.”

  • If you plan on drinking alcohol and driving, don’t tell your passengers; they’ll just be total buzzkills the whole time

  • Pay attention to the road! Avoid distractions like cell phones, hot girls in other cars, and existential crises

  • You shouldn’t overdrive your headlights. But hey, if your car can go faster than the speed of light, more power to ya

  • If you are unaware how to do simple, retard-proof checks like tire pressure, engine oil level, and windshield wiper fluid level, be warned: you may be a Kardashian.

  • In the event of a breakdown, pull as far off to the side of the road as you can, grab some tissues and just let it all out before continuing on your journey.

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