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Tulsa, OK- On a recent 5:00 newscast, recently single meteorologist Karen Maloney predicted that some areas will be subjected to golf ball-sized hail, as well as dying alone with no one to discover your body for days.

“It is best to take cover before this string of storms settles in, and it is best to settle down and marry before your boobs start to sag,” 35 year old Karen advised her audience.

The storm appears to have come from a high pressure system moving out of the Texas pan-handle and although the temperature is technically 68 degrees, according to Maloney’s expert opinion, the temperature actually feels like, “drinking red wine in the morning.”

Karen went on to explain to the viewers at home what exactly causes a hail storm. “When rain is lifted into the atmosphere during a thunderstorm and then super-cooled, gravity takes over and you realize that you just wasted three years of your life convincing yourself that the man you are seeing will eventually leave his wife even though all your friends told you that he wouldn’t from the start but you didn’t listen because you fell in love with him and now you put your makeup on in the dark because who gives a shit and you think about getting a cat to kill the silence that is your love life.”

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To be fair, the ex-boyfriend never did say anything about leaving his wife, Karen simply assumed.

The 5-day forecast predicted by Karen will be nothing but frowny-faced storm clouds. “Hail is most damaging to car windows, so if you have a garage it would be best to snake a garden hose from your tailpipe to your driver’s side window and exit the world peacefully and without much intrusion to others.”

 

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