Putin Must Be a Real Dick to Play Monopoly Against
I don’t know much about world politics, but something tells me that the president of Russia must be a real terror on Family Game Night. I imagine that even picking out a game to play is probably a real challenge.
The first half hour or so is probably arguing with him that you don’t want to play Risk. No, not again. No more Risk. Enough with the Risk.
He probably opens up the game closet and picks out something like Hungry Hungry Hippos, and everyone is going, “C’mon Vlad, you know you ripped off the jaws of the other hippos last time we played that.”
But the last thing all of us want is for him to play the game of Life, where he just punched his way through his opponents, saying that life is pain. And a struggle. A painful struggle.
And someone makes the brash decision to offer to play Monopoly.
I don’t even know if he would agree to play Monopoly just on principle. He’ll probably be shocked to even find it in his house. Then you probably have to chase Putin down the hallway and try to wrestle the game away from him just so you all can begin to play.
I think the main selling point to get Putin to sit Indian-style on the bear-skin rug and play is to show him the Monopoly money. He will probably look at the blue 50’s, the pink 5’s and think, “Ah, Motherland.”
As per usual, Putin will have trouble grasping the concept of waiting for his turn. You can skip the part where you roll to see who goes first. We all know who goes first. When he lands on a property, he probably won’t pay for it. He could land on Oriental Avenue and might just go, “I’m taking that.”
“Oriental Avenue costs 100, please.”
Then there’s the long stare-down from Putin, he’s breathing heavy through his nostrils, and you’re going, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, stare at me all you want, but it’s still 100 dollars. Rubles! Shit, I’m sorry. It’s 100 Rubles.”
Add another 5 minutes of staring for the lack of Ruble recognition. Eventually he will take Oriental Avenue either by taking the card from you outright or will steal your money to pay for it.
Now it’s your turn. No, wait. Putin wants to go again. You can try explaining that he didn’t roll doubles, but it doesn’t matter. It looks like he is just going to make his way around the board. When he lands on Chance, he simply punches you.
In all fairness, there was a good chance of that happening.
Now this is getting ridiculous. First of all, they are hotels, not military barracks. Second, they are very expensive and you simply don’t have the capital to occupy so many properties no matter how much you steal.
And Putin is agreeing with you and going, “I know it is illegal for me to do this, that’s why I’m not doing it,” but he is putting all the hotels on every piece of property he has.
And you and the other players are saying, “Hey! You can’t do that.”
And Vladimir keeps a straight face and says, “I know I can’t.” As he puts a hotel/military barrack on a community chest as well as Free Parking.
“You say you’re not doing this, but I am watching you do it.”
“I know. Isn’t it terrible?”
You try to rouse up the other players. You say to them, “Guys, this is bullshit. He can’t just do this.” And they agree with you, but they don’t move. They just agree with you. Then he looks at the player who owns Indiana Avenue and Putin decides that he wants that as well. The player tries to put up a fight by sticking to the rules, but rules are for cowardly idealists. He beats the owner of Indiana Avenue and tells the rest of us that those hotels have now become his military barracks and you will pay him accordingly.
As he puts the last of the military barracks on Luxury Tax you figure that no one really cares anyway about this property or that. I mean, it’s not worth getting into a huge argument about, right? So he put two military barracks on Indiana Avenue. Big deal. You never visited Indiana Avenue and it’s all the way on the other side of the board. You can’t be concerned with what’s going on all the way over there. Plus, he’ll learn that it isn’t really fair what he is doing and he will recognize the error of his ways on his own. You’ve got your own problems. You’ve got to visit your other friends in jail as well as converting your dollar value into rubles.
So, whose turn is it? Yours, Vlad? Sure, here’s the dice.
Thank you for reading, all you cowardly idealists! Why not download a free e-book of essays written by the author of this article? Simply click here