Phil Mickelson Cures Cancer
Augusta, GA– The crowds at Augusta National Golf Course were on their feet yesterday as Phil Mickelson was approaching his 3rd Masters Green Jacket; the most coveted major in all of golf. As opposed to the other players in the field yesterday (Choi, Woods, Kim, Westwood to name a few), Phil Mickelson wasn’t just playing for a wearable trophy(and 1.3 million dollars); he was playing against his wife’s cancer.
“Amy and her doctors were battling her cancer through medicine,” said Mickelson. “I battled it with my Callaway X 2.0 irons and Callaway Hexagon-dimpled golf balls. Callaway: Good ball.”
The leader board was a crumpled mess of contenders, with the first place position changing various times throughout the day.
“I heard all these ‘birdie roars’ and ‘eagle roars’ from fans around the course, and I’m thinking, ‘Jesus Christ, you guys! Don’t you know my wife has cancer?!’”
A majority of these roars came from the play of K.J. Choi, who was making a steady charge towards 12 under par to tie for the lead with Mickelson halfway through the round. “I was just trying to get birdies to stay in contention,” said Choi. “As a professional golfer, I would really like to win 1.3 million dollars.”
Choi had no idea the ramifications of his actions, for every birdie putt he made, Amy’s cancer grew stronger. Once he tied for the lead, CBS announcers pulled Choi aside and told him about Mickelson’s situation. “Oh, geez. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Yikes. Cancer.” Choi then proceeded to miss all of his remaining birdie putts, each time saying half-heartedly, “Oops.”
Going into the 18th hole, Mickelson had a 2 stroke lead as his wife waiting with thousands of fans around the green. She began to regain her strength as Mickelson gave himself a birdie opportunity to seal the deal. He sank the ten foot putt to put him at 16 under par, giving Amy just enough courage to raise her arms around him. It was a beautifully forced moment by CBS producers.
“It’s great to win,” said Mickelson. “I could have done better, though. I think the cancer is still there, however. Dammit! If only I shot 20 under par, she’d be completely cured.”