The Perfect Condolence Card
Hey, Karl. Who’s the card for? Mr. Neuschbaum’s secretary, Sally?
Sally, the petite, sexy red-head? Sally, the one with the contagious laughter? Sally, the one with tits to die for?
Sure, Karl, I’ll sign the card. Yeah. It’s a shame about her Aunt, I know. Tell you what, why don’t you give me a couple minutes here and I’ll get the card back to you? It’s not every day that a sexy redheaded woman’s favorite Aunt dies.
I must be careful when choosing my words here. I’ve passed by her desk countless times, sometimes giving her a nod, but most of the time I just look at my feet and shuffle past her while I flop sweat. But this “dead aunt” thing… this could really parlay me from a pit-stained loser to a pillar of strength and sexuality in her life.
I wonder how much sexual tension you should have in a condolence card. Let’s open up the card and see what we’re dealing with here…
Oh, look, there’s Karl’s message right in the middle. I thought he was married. What’s he doing taking the center of the card like that? “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Geez, Karl, lighten up will you? You’re not going to get Sally in bed that way; being all mopey and sad. Sally wouldn’t go for a guy like you anyway. I can’t imagine her sitting there and listening to you recite some sad poem you wrote back in high school.
Lots of guys signed this. Which, I mean, what was I expecting? It’s Sally; of course there’s going to be a lot of guys taking advantage of this opportunity. Oh, my god! Is that Gwen from Accounting’s signature there in the corner? I didn’t know Gwen was a lesbian! That’s super hot! Gwen, thanks for coming out to everyone, but I’m pretty sure Sally is straight.
I also see a lot of frowny faces, which totally ruins my strategy. I’m going to have to get more creative than I thought with this. It’s going to have to be something sweet, sensitive, and sexual all at once. Something that says tenderly, “I’m here for you. I’m here for you and I have an erection.”
…And I don’t think a well-placed pun has ever NOT done that.
I wasn’t planning to go nuclear on the competition, but this is Sally we’re talking about here, and I think a little wordplay is totally legal at this juncture.
Psst! Hey, Karl! Real fast: how did Sally’s Aunt die? Car accident? Seriously? That’s perfect! No, just give me another minute, I’ll be right back.
Dear Sally, if you ever need to talk about your Aunt, I am here for you. What do you say we go out to a bar and get wrecked?
Oh, man. It’s almost not even fair. I wonder how many kids she’ll want to have…
Hey, Karl. Here’s the card. No, I sealed it. Nothing more needed to be said, trust me.
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