For the past 12 hours after winning her Oscar for best director and best picture, Kathryn Bigelow has been beaten, stabbed, shot, electrocuted, hanged, drawn and quartered and raped…by James Cameron.

“I am using a broad interfaced duplicationary green screen with an artificial intelligence risk chip against Kathryn,” stated the three-time Oscar winner.

Oscar Winner Kathryn Bigelow, soon to be mutilated by Cameron

 

Above: Cameron plots various ways of killing his ex.

It’s true. Moments after the Oscar Awards concluded, Mr. Cameron retreated to the basement of his Hollywood home where he proceeded to do terrible, awful things to the director of the Oscar Winning film The Hurt Locker. “She’s such a noob,” Cameron stated to reporters.

Much like how when people are angry, they write letters they will never mail, Mr. Cameron has the technical capabilities to take it one step further.

“He gets like this when he doesn’t get what he wants,” stated Cameron’s 5th wife, Suzy Amis. “He just goes into his ‘man-cave’ and does horrible digitalized things to people whom he doesn’t like. Do you remember when he lost the Golden Globe for Best Screenplay to Good Will Hunting back in 1997? You should have seen the things he did to Matt and Ben on his computer, and had them do to each other. Just—just horrible!”

Although the hate runs deep for Kathryn, Cameron says it has nothing to do with the fact that he was married to her for 2 years. “No, I don’t hate her because we divorced; I hate her because she is a talent-less bitch hack who stole my fourth Academy Award from me. She’s a poopy-head,” he said bitterly.

As of this report, Mr. Cameron had just completed a digital scene where Kathryn took a broomstick handle across the bridge of her throat, and he is eagerly anticipating a rape scene with Kathryn and various zoological animals. “The rhino intrigues me, what with his various penetrating points,” Cameron said in closing, “but there is something very compelling about using a blue whale on her. Hmmm…maybe I can do both.”