Mikey J, thank you so much for taking time out of your very busy schedule to meet on my show.       oprah 

It’s my pleasure, Oprah. Jimminy Glick cancelled, so…

Well, thank goodness for that! So tell me, what is happening with you?  

To start, I just got off of another shift at work.

How intriguing! What is that like?   

 To put it modestly, I watch the rolls of film go around and around and around and around and around…like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.

That sounds so poignant.

  I wish I could take credit for it, but it is actually from a soap opera.

Really? Which one?  

General Hospital.

And at work, you’re working with an all-star cast! Let’s see…there’s your group leader, Kyle, and your supervisor, Anthony….   

And don’t forget about Jerry the Crack Addict. Well, former crack addict. But he’s showing promising signs of relapse: you know, nodding off in mid-sentence, falling asleep on the moving forklift, constantly short of money, things of that nature.

And he is your boss, he tells you what to do?   

 Yep. Uh-huh. And it’s not like I can go to anyone else about this. My group leader believes in mermaids and my manager has a second job where he moonlights as an alcoholic.

I’m sorry, mermaids?

Yeah. He watched a “documentary” on Animal Planet about the existence of mermaids and he didn’t read the disclaimer that said that the program was for entertainment purposes only, and bam: we got mermaids.

In case anyone has been living under a rock for the past few weeks, the world was aghast to hear that you had rats in your luxury studio apartment. Would you like to talk about that?

I knew you were going to bring up the rats, Oprah. It’s ok. Everywhere I go, people ask me about the rats. At least here I am able to reach quite a number of people and I can clarify the story. The tabloids reported that I had rats, whereas the New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune…they got the story right. You see, it wasn’t a herd of rats in my suite; it was mice. There’s a difference. You see, a rat will gnaw your face off with reckless abandon whilst you sleep, whereas a mouse will delicately place its turds throughout your apartment and give you a terrible feeling of malaise, nothing more.

How interesting! I did not know that!  

That’s why I’m here: to educate. At any rate, at first I only saw one mouse, and I named him Maxwell. After I broke his spine with a snap-trap, I found out that Maxwell wasn’t the only one. I also ended up killing his brother Tony, his cousin/wife Debra, his sister/wife Genevieve, his Uncle Raymond, and his mother/wife Peggy. Six in total.

Michael, you lead such an interesting life! I’m so jealous!  

(smirks dryly) I know. I’m sorry, but I really don’t have much time here. I’m due back to park some golf carts in the next half-hour or so…

My apologies. I understand how busy you are. I won’t take up too much more of your time.   

Good, because those carts won’t park themselves, ya know?!

I’m sorry. Not much longer.  

It’s—it’s—it’s—it’s—it’s just that I’m the one in the cart barn, and it’s my ass out there, ok?

I also understand that you finally told the woman you love how you feel. Would you like to talk about that?

What? How did you find out about that? That just happened.

(Reading text) “I love you. I want to marry you and start a family with you.” Is that accurate? Is that what you said to her?


Boy, you really put it all out there, didn’t you?

(Head between knees, groans)

Tell me, Michael, how did you think that would go? Because just by going by the first part of this interview and what you have to offer (rats, crack addicts, and mermaids), you will probably never see her again.

She said she’d think about it! That’s got to count for something, right?

When did she say she’d think about it, Michael?

Right before she got in her car and…sped off.

And she blew past a stop sign as well, didn’t she?

I don’t want to talk about this, Oprah.

Okay, I understand. Let’s talk about that book you self-published last year! Your last and most prosperous royalty check came in at $9.18…

This interview is over, Oprah.

Fair enough. Thank you very much for your time, Michael. Up next: A grown man who believes in mermaids! Find out how not reading one disclaimer can change your whole world-view.


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