Wishes Mother Nature Gave Last Call

Bernard Spörk—humble correspondent

No time like snow time for these kids.

STATE COLLEGE, PA—AccuWeather meteorologists confirmed Friday that frostbitten citizens living along the I-95 corridor can finally hang up their snow boots and lace up their Pumas, or whatever brand of athletic shoes the cool kids are wearing these days.

For many of these people, the arrival of spring couldn’t have come soon enough. Still, there is one man who wouldn’t mind keeping it frosty for a little while longer. Perched atop an AccuWeather satellite dish, frozen margarita in hand, Old Man Winter voiced his displeasure about the abrupt end to his favorite season.

“I don’t understand why there’s such a rush to start spring,” said Winter, who’s been keeping it real…cold since 1903. “I should’ve been at least given a chance to have a little going away party, à la the ‘Roar of ’94.’”

Winter is referring to a storm he unleashed in March 1994 that blanketed much of the East Coast with record amounts of snow and ice, and left an estimated 2.7 million people without power. Despite the immense damage and hardship caused by his infamous late season storm, Winter believes history will show that the victims appreciated his effort.

“For all the talk about the so-called ‘frozen carnage’ that I caused, the bottom line is that I taught people how to love again,“ he claimed. Check the birth records, Poindexter–more kids were conceived on that weekend than at any time during the ‘90s. People needed heat, so they made their own. That’s friction, baby! Mother Nature is a beauti…scratch that, she’ll always be a stone cold bitch.”

Old Man Winter is still bitter.

Acknowledging that he and Mother Nature used to “chill” together, Winter now admits that the two are on different pressure systems.  He is convinced that the increase in global temperature is proof enough that Mother Nature is giving him the cold shoulder.

“[Mother Nature] can blame global warming on mankind all she wants, but she’s a damn liar…the greenhouse gases are coming out of her ass,” Winter sneered while freshening up his drink. “She let me have a couple nor’easters this year because she thought it would shut me up…well, the truth needs to be heard.”

According to Winter, Mother Nature is turning up the heat because of her anger over of his newfound street cred. “What can I say? College kids love my icy ass,” he said. “They know that I’m the guy who gives them snow days, snowboarding, and snow bunnies.”

He added, “The bitch has no heart. I’ve got polar bears being hit over the head with melting glaciers, and my man Jack Frost…don’t even get me started on what she did to him. Let me pour some out for my homey.”

Mother Nature refused to be interviewed for this article, but did dispatch her messenger pigeon, which promptly pooped on Winter’s head.