Bermuda—The recently announced Mr. and Mrs. Winthrope spent the better part of a week in their Bermuda bungalow consummating their wedding vows. The couple was seen only when one of them stepped out for a smoke and to talk to Vondrook reporters.

“God, I love consummating,” said Mr. Winthrope, age 24. “All I could think about on the plane ride over was how badly we needed to consummate this shit.”

The couple had been wed 15 hours earlier in Nantucket in front of friends and family. “The wedding was good,” recalled Mrs. Winthrope, 22. “Lots of cake and dancing, but all I could think about was the consummating.”

The newlyweds completed their first set of consummation on the plane to their honeymoon spot in the Bahamas. “Right there in the bathroom,” said Mrs. Winthrope. “It was a helluva consummation.”

“I really consummated her good,” reported Mr. Winthrope. “Good and hard.”
Mrs. Winthrope nodded in agreement. “From the plane, we went right to the bungalow and consummated for hours. I mean, sure, I’ve been copulated before; I’ve been screwed, banged, humped, horned, degraded, penetrated, fornicated, but whew! Never consummated!”

Mr. Winthrope winked with pride to reporters and said, “I even consummated her through the back door, if you know what I mean. And I think with a little charm, I’ll be able to consummate with her and a friend of hers. Not just screwing, mind you. That’s too harsh. I’m talking consummating. How could I be denied if I phrase it just right?”