New Ohio Roller Coaster Will Shatter Records, Necks
Sandusky, OH- The Cedar Point Amusement Park announced that they will be building a new roller coaster that will set world records for height, speed, inversions, and snapping your neck like a chicken’s.
“This roller coaster will have a top speed of 75 miles per hour,” said Cedar Point spokesperson Gillian Gilroy. “And it’s at the 75 mile per hour mark where we introduce our record-setting 3 inversions and try our hardest to get sued by the surviving members of your family.”
The new ride, to be opened in 2016, will be called the Valravn. The Valravn is known in Danish mythology as a wolf-raven hybrid that lied about its age, height, and weight only to get his head torn off for senseless reasons, bringing much grief to its family.
“We also thought about having a water aspect to the coaster in the early development of this ride,” said Gilroy. “We wanted at one point to have the guests on the ride spend 2 whole minutes under water, but it seemed much more fun and satisfying for the last thing you hear on this earth is the salty crunch of your own neck as it tries in vain to defy Newton’s infallible laws of gravity and motion.”
Fans of roller coasters (as well as haters,) have taken to social media to discuss the new Valravn. Said Phil Jenkins, 35, of Toledo, Ohio on Facebook: “I don’t even like roller coasters; can’t stand them. But it seems that the Valravn will be the perfect way to get over my fear of them as well as my fear of being alive with a sturdy cervical vertebrae.”
A possible tagline for the coaster is, “Valravn: It will pulverize your neck faster than Bruce Lee on coke.”
—–This Article Originally Featured on Newscult.com
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