Near-Fatal Accident Turns CoWorker Into Real Life-Affirming Douche
Philadelphia, PA—Stanley Cartwright strolled into work at Henning’s Office Solutions last Monday to announce, once again, that life is precious and worth experiencing; much to the dismay of his fellow workers.
“Christ, how much longer is he going to be like this,” groaned Cynthia Mullen, Cartwright’s personal assistant. “The accident was like, a week ago.”
It’s true. Last week Stanley was involved in a hit and run outside of the local FuddRucker’s restaurant. Stanley was in the hospital for the better part of a week and exited Einstein Hospital last Wednesday with a whole new, infinitely more annoying outlook on life.
“Before, he was just a boring, typical suit. Now, every time he steps out of his office, he takes this really contrived, life-affirming deep breath,” said Mullen. “It got really annoying really fast.”
This Vondrook reporter was not aware that there even was a Fuddrucker’s located in the Northeast.
Dean Mulberry, the head of HR, had this to say about Stanley: “We all know what he [Stanley] is going through, kind of…but he shouldn’t push it on us like this.”
Dean is a hard-lined pessimist and is not keen on listening to Stanley carry on about life’s preciousness. “I have a real ‘Fuck-My-Life’ attitude and I don’t care to be pushed away from my beliefs and into someone else’s.”
When asked why it would bother him to listen to Stanley, Dean contemplated, “It took years of heartache and personal and professional rejection to cultivate my philosophy on life and it frightens the hell out of me that just one simple car accident can erase all that I am.”
At press time, Stanley Cartwright was asking Cynthia that if she were to die tomorrow–just hypothetically–would she be satisfied with the way she collated the latest T.P.S reports.
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