Mayor Nutter Does The Impossible!
Philadelphia, PA—Mayor Michael Nutter has accomplished something other Philadelphia Mayors have been unable to do for fifteen years: acquire the biggest Crack Star from Los Angeles and bring him over to stumble the streets of Philadelphia.
“I’ve been having long, long, sometimes heated negotiations with Antonio Villaraigosa (Mayor of Los Angeles),” said Nutter in a special press conference yesterday, “and after over 20 hours of talks, we have been able to work out a trade to bring the biggest crack addict to Philadelphia.”
The press room was filled with applause, knowing that Mayor Nutter had done the impossible; “Yes,” he stated to an elated press room, “I have brought ‘Baby Shoes Galaxia’ to Philadelphia!”
Unless you have been living in a cave for the past fifteen years, Baby Shoes Galaxia is arguably the most popular, most skilled, and most sought-after crack addict in the country. “He is crack personified,” Nutter added. “No, no, he isn’t just ‘crack,’ he is bigger than crack; he is Baby Shoes Galaxia!”
In some circles, Baby Shoes is bigger than David Beckham, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, Alex Rodriguez, and Sidney Crosby combined. It was a trade that Mayor John F. Street never came close to making, and was the number one cause for the drop in Mayor Rendell’s approval rating and subsequent resignation. In order to make such a trade, Nutter must have made some pretty large sacrifices, right?
“To be honest,” said Nutter, “It wasn’t too bad. We gave up ‘Yo-Yo Yams’ over on Samson Street, ‘Smeadley Jenkins,’ who works the Popeye’s Chicken on Ogontz Ave, and three future crack-heads currently in our farm system. They have yet to be addicted, but really, those kids don’t stand a chance. And I know Smeadley Jenkins is a fan-favorite, but if you look at the numbers, he just hasn’t been producing.”
A move as large and anticipated as this must be handled delicately. “It’s important to start Baby Shoes off slowly,” explained Nutter. “We can’t just put him smack dab in the middle of Independence Hall. He has to adjust first. For instance, he is not used to dealing with winter conditions, so we are going to modify his patented 8-Ball jacket with a winter liner, and start him in North Philadelphia, where the crack is plentiful. I’m thinking about putting him in front of the Crown Royal Chicken on Broad Street, between the Crown Royal Chicken and the Crown Royal Chicken.”
No matter where Baby Shoes Galaxia is placed, fans are chomping at the bit to see him in action. Not only will this unprecedented trade bring new commerce to the city, it has also cemented Nutter in the Mayoral History Books. “It’s win-win-win,” said Nutter in closing, “The city wins with new revenue, the people win with a new attraction, and I win my place in the hearts of the citizens of this great city.”