Man Settles Down For Another Night of American Idol, Bullshit
By: John Hagarty, Field Reporter
MONROE TOWNSHIP, NJ – Al Kemper, 27, settled in on Tuesday with his girlfriend for another night of American Idol. The series, which is in its eighth season, came down to two finalists; Kris Allen and Adam Lambert.
“It’s torture,” said Kemper of the show, “You sit around and watch these fags sing the worst songs ever written and prance and pose for the cameras. The only reason I do it is for my girl.”
Kemper was referring to his girlfriend, 25, Kate Walsh whom he’s been dating for two and a half years. In the background Walsh could be heard singing along to R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly.”
“I guess the first couple seasons weren’t so bad. Kelly could really belt them out and that little Chinese guy almost made me piss myself laughing. Plus the chemistry between Paula and Randy and that punk Simon really holds the whole show together. I mean, there was a feature on Paula on like every other Entertainment Tonight for almost a–”
Kemper than paused and rubbed his eyes.
“Listen to me; I’m rambling statistics about a show I hate. I mean Christ, after this is over Kate’s gonna wanna talk about which queer is going to win. I play in a band and we write our own stuff. Here I am watching American Idol with my girlfriend talking about bullshit.”
Kemper looked on as Walsh phoned a friend to ask if finalist Adam Lambert’s hair was dyed.
“If this is what I have to do to make up for that abortion I made her get last year, then…”
Kemper was interrupted when Idol judge Simon Cowell appeared on screen evoking a scream from Walsh.
“Ah, fuck it. I should have just let her have the stupid kid.”