Man-Card Pulled From Former Man
Flint, Michigan—Barry Gehman was stripped of his manliness last Saturday after attempting to hold a conversation with other men in his neighborhood cul-de-sac.
“Me and the guys were just hanging out in my driveway, working on my pick-up truck when Barry came strolling over,” said John Spruce, 39. “Right from the start, we knew he didn’t belong.”
Gehman, 35, and his wife, Gail, had moved into the neighborhood just 3 months ago, and Barry had slowly tried to make some new friends. “When he first came over,” Spruce recalls, “he [Barry] made a reference to Dale Earnhardt Jr. playing 3rd base for the Orioles. It was really awkward.”
Barry’s misinformed comment was quietly ignored as the guys changed the subject to their favorite semi-automatic weapons used for killing deer. Barry informed the group that he did not own a semi-automatic weapon.
Tensions mounted as Spruce formed all the guys into a huddle in the far corner away from Barry and made the call. “I told the guys, ‘Look: he don’t know shit about sports, he don’t own no gun, and I heard a rumor that he actually listens to his wife.'” With the meeting adjourned, Spruce approached Gehman and said, “Hey, Barry, I’m sorry; I’m gonna have to pull your Man Card.”
A shocked and slightly dismayed Barry Gehman reached into his wallet and pulled out the Man Card I.D given to him by his father nearly 20 years ago. “That’s the rule,” a saddened Gehman later told Vondrook reporters. “When a guy has to pull your Man Card, that’s it. That’s the end of your manliness. Now that I don’t have my Man Card, I can’t even work a hammer, and I fear I am gonna have to start asking gas station clerks for directions.”
Spruce holds no regrets over the incident. “I’ve pulled many a-Man Card in my day. Some people think that owning a penis makes you a man, but that’s not it. It’s a culture. It’s a way of life. Men like guns. Men like sports. Men like power tools. Men don’t ask for directions, and men sure as shit don’t listen to their wives.”
Concerning what will happen to Barry now that his Man Card has been revoked, Spruce commented, “Well, he’s not a man, so I guess he is spending alot of his time drinking herbal tea and having lesbian sex with his wife.”