Hey. Hey, Mary. Take a look at this. Come here. Over by the window. See there? It looks like that dim-witted Baderman boy from up the block is about to discover that hornets’ nest out front. Yeah, I know. I was just about to take care of that nest too, but now I think I should let this situation run its natural progression. No, no, you’re right. I should warn him. Of course I will. Of course.

(light cough)HeyTimmy,thosehornetswillstingyouStayawayfromthatnest.

Gah, Mary, he isn’t listening. What can I say? The boy is dense. His whole family, really. They aren’t playing with a full bag of jacks, if you know what I mean. I went to High School with his father and I remember him snorting Pixie Sticks in our senior year. This kid never had a chance. Ten dollars–I’ll bet you 10 dollars that peanut-headed evolutionary cul-de-sac out there thinks there’s honey in that nest. You want a piece of that action? Hey, you remember last winter when he went door to door to see if we wanted our sidewalk salted? And I looked down and saw he had a┬ácanister of friggin’┬áMorton’s table salt in his hand? Wait, shhh! He’s getting a stick. Ha, even the stick is short, it’s like, 6 inches long. Oh, god, this is going to be great! I had a feeling about today, Mary. Didn’t I tell you when I woke up? I stretched out my arms and I just knew something magnificent was going to happen. And you thought this was going to be just another dull Saturday. Well, allow me to present to you Timmy Baderman: the scourge of rational thinking and suburban boredom.

Oh, god, look at him get near that nest. He better close his mouth lest a hornet flutters in that slack-jawed mouth of his.

Hey, do we have any lemonade? This show would go really great with some lemonade. Yeah, the pink lemonade is fine, I don’t care. Just hurry back, because shit is about to go down.

You closed the other windows, right?


Would you like a free e-book of funny essays by the author of this article? Simply click here