Local Weatherman Phil Connors Drives Off Cliff, Explodes
Punxsutawney, PA- Pittsburgh Weatherman, Phil Connors, ended his life this morning by driving off a cliff after covering the Groundhog Day festivities in Punxsutawney Pennsylvania.
“There was something not quite right about him this morning,” said Rita, the news producer who covered Phil’s report and demise. “He seemed completely hopeless and frustrated.”
Connors had previously noted his distaste for the festival, citing that people might not take him seriously if they see him interviewing a groundhog.
Once the camera began rolling on Phil, he began to babble nonsense. “Here we are in this tiny town in western Pennsylvania, blah, blah blah, blah blah…There is no way that this day is ever going to end, as long as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. I don’t see any other way out. He’s got to be stopped. And I have to stop him.”
As the telecast ended, producer Rita and cameraman Larry stood dumbfounded while Phil saw a moment of opportunity, stealing a red-pickup truck belonging to the handler of Punxsutawney Phil, the shadow-seeing groundhog of lore. With Punxsutawney Phil in the passenger seat, Phil Connors took off down the streets of town, being chased by authorities. “He’s out of his gourd,” commented Larry.
Reports had been coming in during the chase that Punxsutawney Phil was seen behind the wheel, steering the car while Weatherman Phil hit the gas. For a quadruped, he wasn’t that bad.
The chase led into the local stone quarry, where after a moment of hesitation, Phil sped past his co-workers and off a small summit, crashing from over a hundred feet, where the truck promptly exploded. Witnesses to the suicide claim they heard the last cry of Punxsutawney Phil before it was absorbed by the flames.
“It’s a sad day for WPBH,” said Rita, “I may be new here, but I never thought something like this would happen. Who knows what tomorrow may bring.”