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The Life Alert medical alert system gives seniors the ability to fall and hurt themselves in the comfort of their own homes. Who wants to take a spill on the hard linoleum floor of a retirement home when they can do the same thing on the comfort of their own kitchen floor while preparing a 1:00pm Sunday dinner?

Life Alert takes all the worries of senior living and confines them to your home! Be in the quiet coziness of your dwelling as you fall into the living room with the grace of a mangled gazelle. Soar like a majestic dodo down the stairs, knowing full well that with the push of a button, a Life Alert operator will talk to you more than any of your children has in the past 6 months.

And speaking of your children, they can now ignore you with a kind of confident swagger only those who dump their parents in a third-rate nursing home can understand. Retirement plan? Yeah, it’s called Life Alert and it’s only $29.99/month! *3 year upfront contract commitment required.

In case of any accident (spills, tumbles, jaunts, topples, plunges, declinations, ebbs, lapses, slips, totters, wobbles, wanes, lurches, and shambles), you can think of those poor schmucks at the retirement homes and smugly press the Life Alert button as you beg for help and try your keep your pants dry.

It’s not like you can count on the paperboy to come to your assistance. Not after you stiffed him on his Christmas tip because he missed your porch that one time. And the mailman? Forget it. Haven’t you done enough to him already? The last thing he needs to see is you falling on your dignified, independent ass while you chastise him the whole time you wait for the ambulance to arrive.

Life Alert: It’s like a digital leash. To the morgue.