Hello, and welcome to Kmart’s Holiday Layaway Program! My name is Jessica and you depress the shit out of me!

Before you show me what products most people can buy ten times over with whatever they may have in their wallets, allow me to first congratulate you on making the financially responsible decision to realize that you cannot properly provide for your children, but are still trying to keep that fact from them, at least for one magical morning. Kudos!

So let’s see what items you can’t afford to buy right now, but will treat as if it were a major purchase such as a car or a house. Oh, the Hasbro bundle package! That includes the Game of Life as well as Sorry!

I pray you’re trying to be this poetic on purpose, otherwise I am going to hit the wine extra hard tonight.layawaylifesorry


I see you’ll also be buying the “Three Howling Wolves,” t-shirt in multiple sizes; a standard for poor trash such as yourself. Nothing howls of freedom quite like the beautiful majesty of paying for cotton t-shirts in nickels and dimes that were found between your black sofa cushions. I believe if you buy 4 of these you get a free NASCAR bumper sticker for your pickup truck that I am sure is filled with various blue tarps, sections of PVC pipe, and bungee cords that you never seem to use. No? Just stick with the three? Fair enough.


Honestly, you won’t believe how much wine I have to drink every night to erase the memory of people like you from my day!

And what final item will we be making a down payment on tod….oh, c’mon, please, don’t. You might think it’s a good idea to do this, kind of a good motivator, like someone putting a gun to your head, but trust me, this won’t end well. Don’t put your Christmas tree on layaway. This job was already depressing enough before you put that fake tree on my counter. I think if I complain any more to my boyfriend about this job, he’s going to start hitting me.

Please take the tree off the counter. Just give up smoking menthols for one week and you can buy a real tree! Think of that! I know you probably like keeping your fake tree up in your living room until February, but with this real tree you don’t even have to pack it back into a box; you can just leave it out by the curb a few days after Christmas. It’s its own little miracle!

Alright, fine, have it your way. I will keep your items behind this counter until you make your final payment. But really, as soon as you turn your backs I’m putting this stuff back on the store shelves, because the longer it sits here, the sadder I get.


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