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Ok, Bill, it’s show time. Let’s report this news.

Hello, and welcome back. I’m Bill Tannen. The search for missing 7-year-old Kayla Myers reached its tragic end today when her body was discovered at the bottom of…

Goddamn, this is some shitty news. What a shitty news day in general: unemployment on the rise, shooting spree at the local Wal-Mart, and now this dead kid shit.

…Kayla had been missing since last Tuesday after witnesses spotted her getting into an unmarked van…

Wait, why the hell are we reporting this story right after a commercial break? We should be going right to a commercial after I’m done reporting this. Unless…unless we’re not going to a commercial. Why the hell wouldn’t we go to a commercial right after this story? Where can we go from here? The weather? Fuck, it’s the fucking weather, isn’t it?

…Residents of the town are shocked and dismayed at the tragic news…

How the holy hell am I going to end this report and start back to the weather. Yep, there’s my producer hand signaling that the weather report is next. What an asshole. He’s been out to get me ever since I made that racial slur at the Christmas party. How was I supposed to know that his wife was Jewish? She didn’t look Jewish.

Police are looking for anyone with any knowledge about the whereabouts of the culprit of this heinous…

HOW ARE WE NOT GOING TO A COMMERCIAL AFTER THIS? Oh, unless it’s a commercial for St. Jude’s Hospital. God, wouldn’t that be so fucked? Alright, you can do this Bill. Dig deep.  It’s going to take all the experience and anchorman skill you got in your bag of tricks to make this work.

…where you can make donations to the family for funeral services.  And now the weather!