Jerry Jones, the Texas billionaire and owner of the Dallas Cowboys football team has been issued a subpoena by Mattel Toys, claiming that Jerry Jones’ face too closely resembles that of Skeletor, a cartoon character that is copyrighted and marketed by Mattel.

“It’s a blatant rip-off,” said Mattel Toys representative Darryl Silverstein concerning Jerry Jones’ ill-conceived face, “over the years, we at Mattel have been watching Jerry’s [Jones] face with extreme apprehension, fearing that he would eventually become, and therefore tarnish the good Skeletor name.”

It’s true. Jones’ aging and subsequent plastic surgery to his face has pinned his skin back to such a point that there is only the bare minimum of flesh covering his skull and face.

I mean, really. Do you need a visual representation?

“He looks like some sort of fucked-up marionette puppet,” claims Dr. Sodenburgh, Chief Plastic Surgeon at the Byron Hospital for the Unfortunate Looking. “Even though I have never worked on the man, I can tell for a fact that he has had one too many pull-backs on the facial flesh area. I’d never do that kind of shoddy work, unless of course, the money was good.”

What does Jones himself have to say about the claims? Jones’ lawyer, Kenneth Noisewater has claimed that the allegations are completely ridiculous. “Do you see Jerry with a purple cloak and scepter, vowing revenge against a half-naked man with a bowl haricut? Nay.”

“That’s exactly our point,” exclaimed Silverstein, “It’s the fact that he does look like Skeletor, and is not trying to destroy a He-Man-esque character; copyright infringement as well as defamation of character! He [Jones] may look like one evil sonofabitch, but he is nowhere near the dominating force that Skeletor was in Eternia!”

Mattel is looking for up to 45 million dollars in damages, which they say is the cost it will be for ad campaigns and publicity in order to get Skeletor back to the evil childhood villain he used to be.”

When asked if there could be any reconciliation between Jones and Mattel, Silverstein replied, “Maybe, maybe if he builds and lives in a full scale building of Castle Grayskull, then we might let him off the hook. Not only would it be an accurate portrayal of the Skeletor name that Jones is obviously shooting for, but it might possibly be the most awesome fucking thing I’d ever see.”